


Catching Feelings

by soul_writerr



Series: Catching Feelings [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-10-22 07:03:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17658197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/pseuds/soul_writerr
Summary: Sonny and Rafael are such close friends that everyone around them thinks they're dating. They think that's hilarious, until Sonny starts dating someone else and Rafael realizes he made a huge mistake.But now it's too late to fix it, so he tries to move on.





	1. Caring for Rafael

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are, another multi-chaptered story that I wrote in like five days because my writing streak is back! Compared to what I normally write, this is a little bit of a slow burn and I've tried something different with how the chapters are divided this time. So let's see how you feel! 
> 
> Reminder that English is not my first language. Enjoy!

Sonny watched Rafael closely as the other man looked intensely into his own Scotch glass, his brow furrowed and lips set in a grim line.

The bar was loud and crowded, but they managed to find a table in the corner to chat. Sonny wanted to go over the last trial they had, he wanted to ask Rafael a few question about why he chose to ask for a redirect considering Buchanan didn’t even go that hard on the witness, but so far he’d only gotten a couple words out of the ADA.

He was very clearly worried about something. Not the trial, that went well, all things considered, and the jury didn’t even deliberate for that long before coming out with a guilty verdict. Still, Rafael was in a mood.

“Do you want another one?,” he asked when Rafael threw back the last of his drink.

Rafael shook his head. “I think I’m gonna go home.”

“Alright,” Sonny nodded and stood up. “I’ll close our tab and drive you.”

The ADA didn’t say anything else. He stood up and grabbed his jacket from the back of his seat, putting it back on as Sonny made his way to the bar, flagging the bartender and handing him a twenty.

When he stepped outside, Rafael was leaning on his car, looking at his feet with a frown. Sonny approached him.

“Hey, Raf,” he called. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Rafael looked up, nodding. “I’m just thinking.”

“Pretty hard from what I can see,” he teased. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The other man smiled softly. “Are you hungry?”

Sonny nodded. “I could eat.”

Rafael pulled away from the car and rounded it towards the passenger seat. “Come on, I’ll order us some Thai.”

The ride to Rafael’s apartment was mostly silent. He had called their favorite Thai restaurant ahead so they wouldn’t have to wait too long, then proceeded to stare out the window intensely.

Sonny knew Rafael very well. He knew pushing him was pointless, and Rafael always talked when he was ready, but the silence did make him a little jittery regardless.

When they walked into Rafael’s apartment, Sonny shrugged off his jacket. “Why don’t go ahead and take the longest shower you’ve ever had?,” he suggested. “I’ll take the food when it’s here.”

It seemed Rafael wasn’t really in the mood to contradict Sonny, so he grabbed his wallet and handed Sonny two twenty dollar bills. “For the drinks and the food.”

“Rafael, you know you don’t need to -,” he started, but stopped when the other man gave him a _look_. “Fine. But next time, it’s on me.”

“Alright,” Rafael nodded and headed to his bedroom. “You know where to find your sweatpants, if you’d like to change.”

There was a storage closet in the hallway with a few shelves and hanging space. Rafael kept some of his fancier suits there, the ones he wore the least, along with seasonal pieces he only wore around winter.

But two of the shelves were for Sonny. He kept two changes of clothes, sweatpants, two sweatshirts and a suit there - in case of an emergency. They were in each other’s spaces so much, clothes came and went frequently.

Rafael had a drawer and a suit in Sonny’s closet back at his apartment as well.

So Sonny changed, keeping only his undershirt and putting on sweatpants. He grabbed his washing bag - that also came and went from Rafael’s apartment - and stuffed his suit inside. Rafael would have a heart attack if he saw it, but Sonny was going to take it straight to the dry cleaners anyway.

About fifteen minutes later, the buzzer went off. Sonny looked down the hall, where light was coming harshly from the crack under the closed door of Rafael’s bedroom. He still hadn’t emerged, so Sonny went to take their food.

When he came back, he set the takeaway bag on the kitchen counter and went to Rafael’s door. He couldn’t hear any noise coming from inside.

“Rafael?,” he knocked softly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Rafael replied, his voice not that far from the door. Sonny guessed he was in bed. “I’ll be right out.”

“Do you want me to bring it to you?,” Sonny offered, unsure. “I can make you a plate.”

There was a longer pause, and he thought Rafael was going to say yes. But then there was movement, and Sonny saw the shadows under the door. A couple seconds later, it opened and revealed an exhausted-looking Rafael.

“Raf, why don’t you stay in bed? I’ll bring you the food,” he insisted. “Come on, it’s just me, you don’t have to play host.”

Rafael shook his head. “No, let’s sit on the couch and watch one of those trashy shows you like. I could use the distraction.”

“Don’t call my shows trashy, Rafael,” Sonny teased as the other man followed him into the kitchen. “Not when you pretend you don’t like it but you’re secretly a fan.”

“I’m not,” he chuckled.

“Oh, please,” Sonny scoffed as he grabbed two plates. “You get more invested in it than me.”

“That’s a lie,” Rafael insisted, opening the containers and pushing one towards Sonny. “I just get very annoyed and it seems like I’m emotionally involved.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Raf.”

With full plates, Rafael took their food to the living room as Sonny got them drinks. He served Rafael two fingers of neat Scotch and got a beer from his never-ending supply in the fridge. The ADA kept it well stocked, even though he didn’t drink beer.

And of course Sonny had a bottle of Rafael’s favorite Scotch at home, too.

They watched an episode of _So You Think You Can Dance?_ while they ate, Rafael making snide remarks here and there while Sonny got emotionally invested in the performances. Once the episode was over and their plates were in a neat pile on the coffee table, Sonny turned off the TV and turned to his friend.

“Do you want to talk about it?,” he asked, tapping on Rafael’s knee in a signal for him to throw his legs up on the couch, which he did, rearranging himself with his feet on Sonny’s lap.

Rafael frowned, looking down at his hands for a moment before speaking. “Do you think I’ve settled at SVU?”

“What do you mean?,” Sonny tilted his head.

“It’s something McCoy said,” he waved a hand. “He hinted that I should be more invested in advancing in the office.”

Now it was Sonny’s turn to frown. “Well, isn’t that the plan? Rafael Barba, the Manhattan District Attorney?”

“Yes, but I’m afraid I haven’t made enough political connections for that to happen,” he confessed, crossing his arms over his chest in a way Sonny attributed to self-defense.

He shook his head, dismissing the thought. “Are you kidding me? Raf, you’re the guy with the most pull I’ve ever met.”

“You’re just easily impressionable,” Rafael rolled his eyes dramatically.

“Bullshit,” Sonny scoffed. “Besides, as much as I like to joke about it, you’re not that old. You have time to build your connections. McCoy is like a hundred years old, you’ve still got a couple before you get there.”

Thankfully, Rafael chuckled. Sonny knew the man didn’t want to be coddled, but he still strived to lighten the mood somehow. “Shut up or I’ll lock you out of my apartment.”

“Go ahead,” he smirked. “I’ve got a spare key. Has McCoy hinted he’s leaving?”

“No, but he’s hinted he’ll back me up if I decide to run,” Rafael shrugged.

“Really? Raf, that’s great,” Sonny beamed.

“I’m not ready to leave SVU.”

“And we’re not ready to lose you,” he placed a comforting hand on Rafael’s shin. “So stop worrying about something that won’t happen for at least another 10 years. You know you won’t pry McCoy’s position out of him until he’s on his deathbed.”

Rafael smirked. “Any day now, then.”

Sonny threw his head back and laughed out loud.


	2. Relying on Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael enlists Sonny's help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovelies, I just wanted to let you know that there's always a time jump between one chapter and the other in this story. It could be from a couple weeks to a couple months, it'll be specified whenever it becomes relevant, but more important than that is: these events aren't happening one right after the other. Good? Good. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Rafael grunted loudly when he turned off the call with McCoy. He’d said Rafael could take the deal, which meant the rest of the day was shot because he’d spend it travelling all the way up to Attica and back to settle the agreement. 

He had about four hours of sleep under his belt at the moment, but now he’d need to pull another all-nighter to try and work on the pile of motions growing on his desk. Defense attorneys really were going to be the death of him. 

Rafael threw back the rest of his coffee as if it was a shot of tequila and stood up to refill his cup. “Carmen,” he called, his voice slightly hoarse from the back and forth with the DA. 

His assistant walked in promptly, all-business. “Yes, Mr. Barba?”

“McCoy said I could take the deal. Please, call Mr. Dworkin and see at what time I can meet with his client. Everything else I have for today is going to have to be pushed for tomorrow.”

Carmen winced, but nodded. Rafael groaned. “How bad is it?” 

“It’s been worse,” she offered with a friendly smile. “But I could probably get you a couple interns to help with those motions.” 

Rafael shook his head. “They’ll mess it up and then I’ll spend twice the time trying to fix it.” 

Carmen hummed in agreement, then said, “Detective Carisi called. He wanted to know why you weren’t answering your cell phone.”

“Of course,” he chuckled, then blinked. “Carmen, you just gave me a great idea.”

“Good,” Carmen nodded. “I’ll see about that meeting with Mr. Dworkin and his client.” 

“The sooner he can make it, the better,” Rafael reminded her. “I don’t want to have to come back during rush hour.” 

“I’ll do my best, Mr. Barba,” she smiled. Carmen did love to challenge defense attorneys. 

“Thanks,” he smiled genuinely at her, and grabbed his phone as soon as she closed the door behind her. 

“Hey, Raf,” Sonny greeted excitedly, picking the call up on its second ring. “I was just about to drop by.”

“I was hoping you would, but later today,” he sighed dramatically. Rafael knew that appealing to Sonny’s saviour complex always worked well for him. “McCoy’s sending me up to Attica and I’m fucked for the rest of the day.”

“Yeah? How can I help?” 

“I have a pile of motions on my desk that are impossible to go through, and thanks to this nice little trip, I’ve had to push all my meetings from today to tomorrow, so I won’t -”

“Rafael,” he interrupted. “You don’t have to sell it to me. I’ll go through the motions with you.”

“Oh, bless your heart,” Rafael smiled. 

“I’ll go to your office as soon as I leave the station,” Sonny promised, and his voice sounded just as excited as when he picked up the call. “We can order some dinner and talk about how McCoy keeps trying to chew you a new one and find all the precedents needed.”

“Sonny, we can’t keep ordering in, I have no time to waste at a gym, and I’m already pushing my limit,” he said dramatically.

On the other side of the line, Sonny laughed. “Stop fishing, you know I’m gonna say you look hot.”

Rafael smiled. Yes, he did know that, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t like to hear it anyway. “I’m sorry, what was that? I look what? The connection broke there.” 

“Yeah, yeah, you look great, whatever,” he said, and Rafael was sure Sonny was waving a hand at his phone as he spoke. “Quit it, we’re having chinese tonight.”

“Alright, but you’re paying.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ll text you when I get back,” Rafael promised, and as if on cue, Carmen walked in.

“Good luck, Raf. Talk to you later,” Sonny said and hang up. 

“Mr. Dworkin said he’ll be ready to meet you in two hours,” Carmen informed him, and Rafael checked his watch. 

“Great, I’ll have time to grab something to eat before I go,” he nodded and grabbed his jacket. “Do you want to join me?” 

Carmen smiled. “Sure. But not for long, I’ve got to reschedule all your appointments.”

Rafael returned Carmen’s smile and strutted out after her, the effects of Sonny’s compliments giving him an extra pep to his step. They were only friends, but having a younger, unarguably attractive man call him hot did wonders to his ego. 

Sonny and Rafael had never officially come out to each other, neither had ever asked, although both had their suspicions. It happened naturally one night when the squad was out celebrating a win. 

Olivia had just left, and Rollins, Amaro and Fin were throwing darts somewhere in the back of the room. Despite the general upbeat vibe, the junior Detective looked dejected. So Rafael tentatively asked what was going on, and Sonny promptly went on a rant about this guy he was seeing.

Things weren’t going well, and Sonny wasn’t sure whether to break up with him. Rafael told him about a similar experience he had with a past boyfriend and gave him some advice. And that’s how they found out, and things moved on naturally.

Around two weeks later, Sonny showed up at Rafael’s office with a kicked puppy look, saying the guy had been cheating on him. Rafael sat him down on his couch and served him a double dose of Scotch. They talked for almost two hours. Sonny spilled his heart out, and half the bottle of Scotch was consumed. 

When they said their goodbyes and Sonny stood up, he swayed on the spot and almost fell on his ass. 

Rafael, who didn’t even try not to laugh, straightened him up and called an Uber for him. They rode together, and Rafael followed Sonny up to his apartment, leaving the Detective safely in bed before heading home himself.

That’s how, the next day, Sonny knocked on his office door once again, a brand new bottle of Scotch in one hand, a bag chocolate covered pretzels in the other, and a sheepish look on his face.

From there, they only grew closer.

Very, very close.

To the point other people thought they were dating.

But Rafael would never. Sonny was much younger, too green and optimistic, while Rafael was bitter, skeptical and too much of a creature of habits when compared to Sonny’s adventurous disposition. 

Rafael was surprised enough they somehow managed to be good friends, so he highly doubted a relationship would ever work, especially with their jobs and Rafael’s lack of interest in actually going through the effort of dating. 

They cared for each other deeply, and Rafael knew he could rely on Sonny. 

He was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? How do we feel?
> 
> See you tomorrow! :)


	3. Listening to Rafael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny likes listening to Rafael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think Sonny and Rafael are too close because of what we've learned from gender norms, think of the Queer Eye guys, that's where I'm drawing my inspiration here lmao
> 
> Enjoy some beautiful boy being supportive! <3

Sonny pressed shuffle on the playlist and waited for the first notes to play before sliding back into the kitchen. Rafael was leaning against the counter, already humming to the piano intro while he waited for a pan to fill with water.

“That’s a classic,” Rafael said, looking like he thought he was some sort of expert, looking into his wine glass with a nostalgic expression.

“ _Some folks like to get away for a holiday from the neighborhood_ ,” Sonny sang along, swaying to the tune as he went back to chopping tomatoes.

“ _Hop a flight to Miami beach or Hollywood_ ,” Rafael continued, holding the note a little longer, and Sonny smiled. He loved listening to him sing.

Rafael had a voice that belonged on Broadway, and Sonny had told him that many, many times, but the ADA always waved him off. Well, at least he got to hear it.

Sonny grabbed a wooden spoon and held it like a microphone as he sang, “ _But I’m taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River line_ ,” then passed the makeshift mic to Rafael.

“ _I’m in a New York state of mind_ ,” he completed, then smiled. “God, I love that song. My abuelita used to sing it all the time.”

Sonny nodded. “It’s pretty good. Kinda makes you crave the city, you know what I mean? They pigeons fighting over bread, rats running along with slices of pizza.”

Rafael laughed and shut off the tap, placing the pan on the stove. “Yes, the smell of piss in every subway station and the constant smoke. What makes New York the best.”

“It’s crazy to think we experienced completely different decades in the city.”

“Well yeah, especially because you were in Staten Island,” he teased.

“Hey, I came here all the time, and I moved when I was 21, I’m a New York City baby through and through,” Sonny said, his Staten Island accent purposely thick.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Rafael rolled his eyes and refilled both their glasses of wine. “I’m pretty sure I had the most New York childhood known to men.”

“How’s that? Was your first pet a subway rat?,” Sonny joked, and laughed at his own comment. Rafael rolled his eyes and took a long sip of his drink as he watched Sonny crush tomatoes.

“No, but close enough. We lived in a very small apartment and weren’t allowed any pets. Even if we were, we couldn’t afford it anyway,” he shrugged. “So I took whatever the city gave me.”

Sonny frowned. “A rat?”

“No, you idiot,” he grunted. “There were a lot of stray dogs in the Projects, the neighborhood kids and I took care of them. Every weekend we’d get them all together and wash them. We tried to heal any wounds and care for their health the best we could. Then we’d go on races around the block, see which dog was fastest.”

“What about food?”

Rafael smiled. “We had a pact. We’d save any change we could get our hands on during the week and spend it all on food for them. I mean, I’m pretty sure they managed by going through garbage cans, but I guess we thought we were treating them.”

Sonny couldn’t help but smile at that. He liked hearing stories of Rafael’s childhood. It was another time, and it always made the ADA look so human. He always got a pensive look on his face when he talked about his past, like he was reliving it. Sonny thought it was endearing.

“You were,” Sonny nodded. “I bet they kept coming back just because of that.”

He laughed. “Probably. We fed them so many times, they just had to know where to go. I thought about being a veterinarian when I younger, just because of that.”

“Really?,” he asked, surprised. “I can see that. Dr. Barba. It sounds nice.”

“Yeah, believe or not, my mother would tell me I was too soft for that,” he snorted. “I wonder what she thinks now.”

“Ah, come on Rafael, your mother is super proud of you,” Sonny waved him off. “You’re an Assistant District Attorney. That’s a powerful title right there, you know she brags about it.”

Just then, the water in the pan started boiling, and Rafael set the fire to low before dropping a handful of raw spaghetti inside, along with some salt.

“She does brag,” Rafael said, looking a little solemn. “But she also complains nonstop about how much I work, about never seeing me, about my general lack of personal relationships. Maybe Dr. Barba would have had more free time in his hands.”

Sonny shook his head. “Okay, first of all, what’s this right here right now, if not a personal relationship? We’re friends, cooking dinner together and listening to Billy Joel. That’s some deep bonding we’re doing.”

“You bullied me into it,” he mumbled.

“Bullshit,” Sonny shot him a look. “Second of all, we both know that no matter what area you chose to work on, you’d work nonstop. If you were a veterinarian, you’d study your ass off to become the best vet there is. Am I wrong?”

“Surprisingly, no,” Rafael smirked.

“Yeah, yeah, fuck you,” he rolled his eyes. “So Dr. Barba might have a nice ring to it, but from what we can see, ADA Barba is doing much better.”

“I don’t regret my choice,” he said, his voice sounding small and vulnerable.

“And you shouldn’t,” Sonny replied fiercely, dropping the knife he was holding to grab his glass of wine. “No one fights like you, Rafael. And we’re lucky to have you,” he offered with a friendly smile, then tipped his glass towards Rafael’s. “Cheers. To your pet stray dogs.”

Rafael laughed. “To pet stray dogs and careers that never happened.”

“Thank God,” he winked, and they both sipped their drink.

Their favorite playlist played New York classics on and on, Rafael singing along to every chorus, laughing into the makeshift microphones Sonny produced. As long as he kept singing, Sonny would keep opening the drawers and pulling out every utensil there was.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there, slowly but surely! Thanks to everyone who has given this a chance. I'm so happy to know you're intrigued to see where things are gonna go! 
> 
> Also I have no idea what is the stray dog situation in the Bronx, clearly, but let’s pretend I do! Hehe 
> 
> See you tomorrow!


	4. Nursing Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny gets shot and Rafael freaks out a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we're almost done with the little fluffy chapters. Some of you have been asking for drama, but let me tell you that once it comes, it won't stop so enjoy the cuteness while it lasts!
> 
> Here we go with the good old Sonny-gets-shot trope <3

Rafael called a good day any day he managed to have lunch unperturbed by defense attorneys or SVU needing warrants and whatnot. He patted his belly, satisfied, as he threw away the take-out boxes and served himself a nice cup of coffee.

The day took a turn, however, when his phone rang right after his first sip of his favorite drink.

The caller ID showed ‘Unknown’, but he picked up anyway. “Hello?”

“Is this Rafael Barba?,” came a sweet, feminine voice.

“Yes, how can I help you?” 

“I’m calling from Mercy Hospital,” the caller said, and Rafael jumped up from his seat in a flash. “You’re listed as Dominick Carisi Jr.’s emergency contact.” 

“What happened?,” Rafael asked, half-panicking, then covered the receiver and called out, “Carmen, get me a car to Mercy Hospital.” 

“On it,” she called back. 

“Mr. Carisi was admitted fifteen minutes ago with a bullet wound. He’s in surgery now.” 

“A  _ bullet wound _ ? Christ,” he grabbed his briefcase and jacket. “I’m on my way.” 

He hung up the call and immediately called Olivia, but the call went straight to voicemail. 

“Your car is on the way, Mr. Barba,” Carmen said, looking tense. “Is everything alright?” 

“Carisi was shot, from what I’ve gathered,” he couldn’t believe it happened. The thing he had feared the most had happened.

The last close call they had rendered Rafael sleepless for two nights. Sonny had looked him in the eye, scared out of his skin, and said, “I guess you’re only really aware of your mortality when you’ve got a gun pointed at your head.” 

Rafael was scared out of his skin, too. 

“Oh my god,” Carmen gasped. “Go, Mr. Barba, I’ll take care of everything around here.” 

He nodded dumbly. “I can’t get hold of Olivia. Let me know if she calls here.” 

“Of course,” she nodded and silently guided him out of his office. Rafael had just then realized he had been frozen on the spot. 

On his way to the car, he kept trying to call Olivia, but eventually gave up and called Fin instead. 

“Barba,” he greeted.

“Fin, is Liv with you?,” Rafael asked urgently.

“Yeah, hold on,” there was some shuffling on the other end, and Rafael let out a shaky breath. “Hey, Rafa. I’m sorry, I have no idea where my phone is, I think I lost it during the shooting.”

“Shooting?,” he squealed. 

“I’ll tell you more when you get here, but listen, Carisi is going to be fine. He was conscious when we came in, they just took him to surgery to get the bullet out.” 

“Honestly Liv, that doesn’t sound comforting at all,” he said, his voice sounding a little panicked. “Where was he hit?” 

“On the bicep, nothing too worrying.”

Rafael wanted to tell her it was very worrying that her Detective had been shot in the line of duty and that he could have actually died, but he knew what she meant. A shot in the bicep meant Carisi wouldn’t need to be benched or to put in his retirement at 30. 

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon.” 

The ride to Mercy Hospital was hell. It was longer than Rafael would have liked, and the traffic did not help at all - and neither did the driver, he’d have to tell Carmen to give him minus three stars. But before he could even remember to breathe properly, he was bursting through the doors and looking around for Olivia.

“Rafael,” she called, and he turned to see her, Fin, and Rollins sitting together. “Carisi’s just out of surgery, they’ll call you in a moment.” 

“Everything went well?,” he asked, finally allowing himself to relax a little. 

“Yeah, he’s fine,” Olivia nodded and smiled softly. “Apparently he’s already managed to annoy all the nurses.”

Rafael chuckled. “Sounds about right. So, what happened?”

Olivia sighed heavily. “They ambushed us. We went over there to serve the arrest warrant for the two perps on the Jerrards case. There were four guys there, two had guns. It was two against four, but one of them got a little nervous.” 

“A little nervous?,” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Amaro made a move to arrest the rapist, so he shot him,” she said, suddenly tense. “He got hit in the chest.”

“Fuck,” he breathed, looking over at Fin and Rollins. 

“He’s still in surgery,” Fin told him. “It didn’t look too good.”

“Don’t say that, Fin,” Amanda hissed. 

“Fin took him out, then his accomplice pointed his gun at me,” Olivia paused again. 

“But Sonny got in front of you,” he continued. “Of course he did.” 

“He did,” Rollins nodded. “I took him out, and Carisi looked fine. You know, considering.” 

Rafael nodded, swallowing hard. “No news from Amaro, then?”

“Not yet,” Olivia shook her head. “But I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” he reached for her arm and squeezed it comfortingly. “He will.”

“Who’s Rafael Barba?,” came a voice behind him, and he turned to see a stern looking nurse holding a clipping board.

“That’s me,” he waved weakly. 

“Mr. Barba, if you’d like to follow me, Detective Carisi is waiting for you in the recovery room,” she said, and didn’t wait for his reply before she turned around and made her way down the hall. 

Rafael looked quickly at the squad, then followed her.

Sonny was sitting on the bed when he got to the room, chatting away happily with another nurse as she handed him a few supplies. “Detective, you’ll have to change your bandages every six hours.”

“Six hours?,” he protested, his accent sounding incredibly thick. “That means I’m gonna have to wake up at all ungodly times!”

The nurse gave Sonny a curt look. “You will if you don’t want an infection, Detective.”

The Detective was about to complain a little more, but he spotted Rafael and his whole face lit up with a smile. “Hey, Raf!”

Rafael walked into the room, closer to Sonny, as the nurse gave the man one more annoyed look then left. “We talked about this, didn’t we, Sonny?”

He suddenly looked sheepish. “Yeah, I promised I’d never get myself shot.”

“And then you go ahead and do just that,” he scoffed. “You scared the hell out of me.”

Sonny looks somber for a moment. “I couldn’t just -,” he sighed shakily. “He pulled the gun on Liv, Rafael.”

“I know,” he whispered, wrapping an arm around his friend. “You did the right thing. God knows what would have happened if you had been even a second slower.”  _ Or if you had moved a little more to the right, _ he thought, but didn’t say.

“Did you hear anything about Amaro?,” Sonny asked, leaning closer to Rafael. 

Rafael shook his head. “He’s still in surgery. But I’m sure he’ll be okay.” 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I hope so.” 

“Detective Carisi,” a doctor called from the door. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Sonny smiled. “I can’t even tell there’s a hole in my arm.” 

The doctor chuckled, and Rafael held back a laugh. 

“Well, there isn’t, we stitched it nicely,” the doctor produced two little bottles of pills and handed them to Sonny. “Take these every four hours for three days. They’re quite strong, so avoid taking it on an empty stomach.” 

Sonny groaned loudly. “Great. Midnight snacks, I guess.” 

“Stop being a baby,” Rafael told him, then turned to the doctor. “Is he free to go?”

“Yes, just sign this release form,” he said, turning a clipping board to Sonny. 

“Doctor, are there any news about Detective Amaro?,” Sonny asked, signing off on the form.

“He’s still in surgery. It’s a very delicate wound,” the man told him with a sympathetic look. “But he’s in the best hands.”

Sonny nodded. “Thanks.”

“Alright,” Rafael pulled away from Sonny and held out a hand to help him get off the bed. “You’re spending the night at mine.”

“Raf, with the bandages and pills, I’ll have to wake up at the weirdest hours.” 

“Are you going to change your bandages one-handed, Sonny?,” Rafael raised an eyebrow at him, and Sonny eventually rolled his eyes. “Yeah, didn’t think so. Let’s go.”

They really did end up waking up at weird hours, Rafael whipping up snacks for Sonny to eat before taking his pills, and then pretending to gag every time he had to clean around Sonny’s stitches so he’d laugh instead of wincing in pain. 

Sonny spent three nights in Rafael’s apartment, sleeping in his bed with him. All those nights, Rafael watched Sonny silently until he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for engaging with this story as much as you've had. Yesterday's discussion about how yall make pasta was very thrilling. 
> 
> Hope you like this one! A spoiler for chapter 5: Sonny punches someone :))) See you tomorrow!


	5. Protecting Rafael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny comes to Rafael's rescue when a guy gets rough with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my hc that Sonny is overprotective, so I wanted to let that side of him shine. Here we are!

Going to gay bars with Rafael was always incredibly entertaining. He stood out like a sore thumb, and he was completely comfortable with that. Especially because it always got him the most attention and he hardly ever had to pay for his drinks. 

Sonny got his fair share of looks, too. But Rafael had a theory that younger gay men were into older men. Sonny could somewhat agree, even though it was an old cliché. He saw it happen too many times not to believe it. 

“There’s one coming at twelve o’clock,” Sonny told him with a smirk, and Rafael preened slightly.

He knew the ADA liked being hit on by other men. He liked that they found him attractive, and he loved turning them down every single time. Sonny had never seen him go home with anyone. He explained that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, and working at SVU had made him weary of taking strange men home. 

“Is he cute?,” Rafael asked. 

“Hm, kinda average,” Sonny shrugged. “Your chance to get a refill, though.”

“Do you need one?,” he pointed at Sonny’s almost empty glass. 

“It wouldn’t hurt, but the way he’s looking at your ass, he’s not coming over to buy  _ me  _ any drinks,” Sonny smirked. 

Rafael returned his smirk. “Just you wait.” 

“Hey, there,” the guy greeted, a dark look on his eyes as he looked Rafael up and down. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Sure,” Rafael fluttered his eyelashes. “But only if you get my friend here one, too.” 

“Of course, love,” he smiled sultrily, and flagged the bartender. “What’s your name?”

“Eduardo,” Rafael lied, and Sonny almost snorted. 

“Eduardo, has anyone told you you look sinfully hot tonight?,” the man said, going for flirty, but landing on cringey. 

Rafael plastered on a fake smile as the bartender refilled his and Sonny’s drink and took the dumby’s money. “Aren’t you sweet?” 

“So, do you wanna get out of here?,” he asked suggestively, then turned to Sonny. “Your friend can watch.”

At that, Sonny choked on his drink and coughed loudly. 

“He’s not really into that,” Rafael shot Sonny a look then turned back to the guy. “Besides, we’re here to celebrate his birthday and it would be rude of me to leave now,” he said with a fake, exaggerated pout. It was the same excuse he used every time, and it always worked. “But will I see you here tomorrow?”

“Anything for you, Eduardo,” he winked, took a card from his pocket and handed it to Rafael, leaving with a wink. 

“You’re too good at that,” Sonny joked when the guy was far enough away. 

“Me? You got yourself a drink and an invitation to watch just for sitting there looking pretty,” Rafael snorted. 

“ _ That  _ is my natural talent,” he smirked. “Hey, I gotta hit the loo. Don’t leave with any guy while I’m gone.”

“God forbid,” Rafael shot back, and Sonny laughed.

It probably took Sonny less than ten minutes to come out of the bathroom, but he wasn’t surprised to see there was another guy all over Rafael already. He smirked knowingly as he walked back, but it turned into a frown when the man forcibly took hold of Rafael’s wrist and pulled him towards him. He saw Rafael grimace, and he made his way through the crowd towards his friend as quickly as the mass of bodies allowed him. 

“So cut the act,” Sonny heard the man saying as he approached. “And come with me.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he called out, grabbing the man’s arm and twisting it away form Rafael. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get away from him.” 

“Who the fuck are you?,” the man spat at Sonny, pulling his hand away. “I saw him first, go find someone else,” he said, and made to grab Rafael again.

“Don’t touch him,” Sonny pushed the guy away with as much force as he could, and the man went flying to the floor. 

“Sonny, don’t,” he heard Rafael gasp behind him. 

Sonny turned back to him and scanned him quickly, trying to assess if he was hurt. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, let’s just go,” Rafael stood up, and when he reached for his abandoned drink, Sonny saw the red marks on his wrist. 

Suddenly it was like he had tunnel vision.

He felt the guy grab at the back of his shirt and pull him, but he turned on his feet and dropped a good, hard punch straight on the idiot’s face. 

The bar erupted in screams and curses around him. The guy fell to the ground again, spitting blood and practically growling at Sonny. But before he could go at him again, he fell Rafael’s hand on his arm, holding him in place.

“Sonny, are you crazy?,” Rafael said. “Stop. Let’s go. Leave it, Sonny.”

He turned to tell Rafael he was about to kill the man, but the look of fear in his friend’s eyes stopped him. 

Sonny shook himself, looked at the man still on the floor, then back at Rafael. 

“Sonny, let’s go. Please, drop it,” he pleaded, pulling urgently at his sleeve. He nodded, and followed Rafael out without looking back. 

“Are you out of your mind?,” Rafael barked at him as soon as they hit the sidewalk. “What the fuck was that? He could report you, Sonny!”

“He doesn’t know I’m a cop,” he mumbled back, flexing his fingers. All his knuckles were flaming red. 

“That doesn’t make it better! Sonny, he could have a gun,” he turned to Sonny. “He could have hurt you. Why the hell did you punch the guy, Sonny?”

“Because he hurt  _ you _ !,” Sonny yelled back, throwing his arms up. “He wasn’t going to back down, Rafael. You saw it!”

“No, don’t turn this on me,” he pointed a finger at Sonny. “I didn’t ask you to punch him. I was doing fine. I can handle myself.” 

Sonny stepped closer to him and grabbed his arm, bringing his wrist up to eye-level. “This isn’t fine, Rafael. He hurt you. I would have killed him if he tried anything else, you know I would.” 

“I don’t want you to kill anybody for me, you idiot,” Rafael yelled, pulling his arm away from Sonny’s grasp. “I don’t want you to get hurt because of me, or to lose your badge, or to go to fucking prison!” 

“But I couldn’t just let him get away with it!”

“Yes, you could,” he said, and the way his voice broke slightly almost made Sonny’s heart shatter. “I didn’t even recognize you in there. You’re not a violent person, Sonny.”

Sonny let out a long sigh, his chin dropping to his chest as he looked at his feet. His hands were still shaking slightly from the adrenaline. Rafael was right. He never resorted to violence, and often criticized people who did. But seeing Rafael hurt did something to him. Something he didn’t quite understand, but that didn’t surprise him. 

“Look, I’m sorry,” Sonny said, looking up at his friend. “I know I shouldn’t have punched him. I acted on instinct when I saw what he did to you.”

Rafael watched him with slightly wide eyes for a moment. “Thank you for trying to help me. But next time, don’t.” 

He nodded slowly, but deep down he knew he’d do it again if he needed to. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

The ADA scoffed. “I wasn’t scared,” he lied. Sonny had seen the panic in his eyes very clearly. And he felt terrible for that. “But you should know better, Sonny.” 

“I do know better, which is why it won’t happen again,” he said. And he meant it. As long as no other nasty man tried to force Rafael into anything. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s go,” Rafael smiled softly at him, lacing their arms together. “You need to put some ice on that hand.” 

“It’s fine,” he shrugged, and leaned closer to Rafael. 

He had sworn a long time ago that he’d do anything for Rafael. That night he became scaringly aware of just how true that was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we get to hear about the person Sonny's dating for the first time. Thank you for being here through this week! Don't forget to leave a kudo if you haven't yet, and thank you for all your comments and predictions so far. I really love talking to yall about where this is going. 
> 
> Have a great weekend, my loves! See you on Monday <3


	6. Helping Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael helps Sonny score a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you have been asking for the drama. Well, it starts now. I hope you're all ready for all the pining. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Rafael, I gotta tell you something,” was the first thing Sonny said when he burst into Rafael’s office on Monday. 

Rafael looked up from the papers he was working on, raising an eyebrow. “You came into my office on Monday morning empty-handed? I thought you knew better than that.”

“Shit. I’m sorry, Raf. I was so excited I forgot,” he pulled a face, running a ran through his hair. 

“Don’t let it become a habit,” Rafael smirked. “What is it that you want to tell me?”

“Right,” Sonny beamed, and sat on one of the chairs across from Rafael. “I went to this charity thing with Bella on Saturday. It wasn’t the best, but I met the most amazing woman.”

Rafael blinked rapidly, processing it. 

“We hit it off immediately, and thankfully Bella left me alone so we talked for like, two hours. There was a café right across the street, and we went there for a coffee. Before I knew it, the sun was setting. I didn’t even notice,” he said, smile still on, looking awed. “She’s incredible, Rafael.”

“Good for you, Sonny,” Rafael said, keeping his tone light. He thought about teasing him, but Sonny just looked so adorably excited, he held back a little. “Did you exchange numbers, then?”

“We did! We’ve been texting nonstop since then. Here’s her profile picture,” Sonny said, and turned his phone towards Rafael. She was really pretty, and something inside Rafael turned unpleasantly. 

She looked very petite, with long red hair, milky skin, light brown eyes and a sprinkle of freckles across her cheeks and nose. She had a sweet smile, and Rafael could just picture her and Sonny together. The good old pale as hell American couple. 

“She’s really pretty,” he offered, sitting back in his chair. 

“Yeah,” Sonny nodded. “Her name’s Joanna. She’s really smart, and sweet. But I think I turn into an dumbass around her.”

“Sonny, please, you turn into an dumbass around everybody,” he joked, but it left a poor taste on his tongue, especially when Sonny shot him a helpless look. “Alright, I’m sorry. What have you to two been talking about?” 

“Well, I asked about her work. She’s an interior designer, so I wanted to know more about that, right?! But I’m not sure what interior designers actually do, so I wasn’t sure what to ask and looked really dumb,” he ranted, and Rafael felt honest sympathy at his friend’s distress. 

“You’re stressing yourself out, Sonny,” Rafael shook his head, then pointed at his phone. “If she keeps texting you, she probably likes you,” he shrugged. “Despite you being a dumbass. And you could actually take that as an opportunity to ask more about what she does. Be honest with her.” 

“I guess,” he considered, still looking a little unsure. 

“Have you told her about SVU?” 

“A little bit. Not any gruesome details, just the general idea of what we do. She thought it was noble,” he smiled again. He sure was in a good mood. 

“Of course she did. You help people for a living, she should find that admirable.” 

“I thought she would think it was too dark and all that, but she was actually very impressed,” Sonny preened. “She said she wanted to meet Olivia. And you, obviously.” 

Rafael raised an eyebrow, “You talked to her about me?” 

“More than I should, probably,” he laughed. “I talked about everyone a little, but we’re the closest, and you’re damn great at your job, so I used that to impress her.”

“Oh Sonny, your flirting skills must be really rusty if you used me to impress the woman you’re interested in,” he chuckled. “Have you asked her out?”

“I haven’t got there yet, I’m afraid she’ll reject me,” Sonny pouted. 

“She won’t, Sonny,” he waved him off. She would be way too stupid if she did. “Not after talking to you for hours and keeping it going through texts. Let me see it.”

Sonny bit his lip nervously as he handed Rafael his phone. 

He scrolled down the chat a little impatiently. The conversation was mostly small talk, with a few decent attempts of sounding flirty. Sonny had always been very vocal about wanting to find someone and fall in love, living his very own version of ‘happily ever after’. Rafael knew it was coming, especially because Sonny was legitimately a great guy and very easy on the eyes. He knew Sonny would find someone in no time. 

So why did Rafael feel like he was being stabbed in the back?

“I think she’s interested. She seems really engaged in the conversation,” he concluded, handing Sonny the phone back. “Call her.”

“Now?,” his eyes widened. 

“Yes, right now,” Rafael nodded, keeping his tone firm. “And if she rejects you, give me the phone and I’ll tell her one thing or two about how stupid she is.”

Sonny snorted. “Is that you trying to be comforting? Because I’m not sure it’s working.”

“Sonny,” he leaned forward, looking his friend right in the eye. “I’m absolutely sure she’ll say yes. If she’s smart like you’ve said, by now she’ll have noticed you’re an amazing catch, but you won’t know for sure until you try it. So call her and ask her on a date.” 

“Okay, alright,” Sonny nodded and stood up, pacing nervously as he made the call. Rafael could feel his own heart beating in his throat as he waited. “Hey, Joanna. Hi, this is Sonny. Yeah, so, I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me. To dinner.” 

Rafael held his breath, his fingers gripping at the armrest of his chair. And when Sonny’s face broke into a huge grin, he still didn’t quite manage to breathe out properly. 

“Really? That’s great. Okay, so is Wednesday a good day for you? Great, that’s really awesome. Text me your address, I’ll pick you at 7pm, is that good? Good. Thanks. See you then! You, too. Bye.”

Sonny hung up the call and looked at Rafael with big, shining eyes. It was a great sight, Sonny so openly happy after making himself so vulnerable. It was a feeling Rafael couldn’t really relate to.

“She said yes!,” he said, excited. “This is great, Raf. Thank you for making me call her.”

“See?,” Rafael gave him a half-smile, doing his best to show his support. “I’m always right.” 

But for the first time he wished he wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back for another week of back to back updates! I hope yall have had a great weekend. Please, don't forget to leave kudos! 
> 
> Thank you for all your support so far. Let's go!


	7. Missing Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael misses Sonny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We reached 1k hits! This is the fastest one of mine to get there, so thank you SO MUCH.
> 
> Enjoy a new chapter!

Rafael expected Sonny to have less free time when he and Joanna officially became a couple, especially because she lived in Brooklyn and Sonny went up and down the bridge every chance he got. He was doing his absolute best to make the distance work. It was actually very admirable.

But what Rafael did not expect in the slightest was being completely forgotten by Sonny.

It was an old cliché thinking that a guy couldn’t keep his friends close and his relationship working at the same time. Well, in the case, it was true. And it was awful.

He couldn’t really remember the last time they had gotten together outside of work, but it had been over two months for sure. It was, unsurprisingly, disconcerting to see the Detective simply vanish from his life like that.

Rafael had gotten used to Sonny’s presence, and he missed their banter and comfortable friendship. He missed their friday dinners and impromptu singing sessions in the kitchen. He missed having someone to talk to, someone who understood the job and how much of a pain in the ass Jack McCoy could be.

Although he did understand Sonny’s relationship becoming his priority, he couldn’t quite believe the other man had actually forgotten his birthday.

When he tried to invite Sonny to the get together, he said he wasn’t available on Saturday. Rafael had been so shocked to realize Sonny had forgotten it was his birthday, he missed the opportunity to call him out on it. Sonny left his office in a hurry, barely sparing him a look.

“Where’s Carisi?,” Olivia asked, following Rafael into his kitchen when he went to refill his glass.

His living room was full. Fin and Amaro were sitting on his couch, Rita on the armchair across from them, while Rollins was sitting on the floor with Jesse and Noah. His mother had disappeared somewhere into his bedroom, but previously she had sat on the chair beside Rita.

It wasn’t a large crowd, and even though most of the seats were taken, it was easy to spot who was missing.

“In Brooklyn,” Rafael replied, trying to keep the hurt away from his voice. “He’s spending the weekend with Joanna.”

Olivia’s eyebrow shot up. “What? What the hell do you mean? He’s not coming?”

“I suppose not,” he shrugged. “I think he’s staying with her until Monday morning, and going straight from her place to the precinct. That’s what he does every weekend, at least.”

Olivia, bless her, looked downright offended at that. She shook her head, looking at him with fiery eyes. “Sonny forgot it’s your birthday?”

“I wouldn’t say he forgot,” he sighed. Yes, Sonny did forget. But he didn’t blame him.

“What would you say, then?,” she crossed her arms, challenging him.

“Look Liv, I don’t blame him. It’s a new relationship, he’s trying to make it work with the whole distance thing. I see him almost every week day, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine, Rafael,” Olivia pressed, looking angrier by the second. “Has he even called you?”

He let out a deep breath. “No.”

“And you’re not gonna say anything?”

“And tell him what?,” Rafael threw his arms up frustratingly. “Hey, you forgot my birthday?! He’s gonna feel like shit, come running back, and spend the next three months overcompensating because he feels guilty.”

“Well, he should,” she hissed.

“Olivia, I want this relationship to work for him. This girl seems nice, smart, and she appreciates him. We both know that’s a great deal more than his past two relationships. Besides, I’m sure he’ll remember it eventually and make up for it.”

Sonny didn’t have the best track record. His relationships never really lasted, and most of them ended in disaster. Like cheating and, once, there was a guy who stole money from his wallet and skipped town.

“He shouldn’t have to make up for it,” Olivia argued, furrowing her brow. “He’s distancing himself from all of us, but it’s even worse with you.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he groaned. “That I miss him? That I wish he was here? That it hurts that he didn’t even notice he has forgotten my birthday? Because I do, and it hurts a fucking lot, Liv. But he’s an adult, and he made his choice. This is not high school, and he doesn’t owe me anything.”

Olivia let out a sarcastic laugh. “Oh, that’s rich, Rafael. Please tell me you don’t actually believe that.”

“It’s what I have to tell myself so I don’t end up resenting him,” he muttered. “He’s _everywhere_ , Olivia. I look around my office and I see him, I look around this apartment and I see him. Right there,” he pointed at where Olivia was leaning against the counter. “He leaned right there when he made me try his four cheese sauce for the first time.”

“Rafael,” she tried to interrupt, but he wasn’t having it.

“You see that chair where Rita is sitting?,” Rafael pointed back at the living room. “That’s where I made him sit to take his pills when he was shot because he kept falling asleep on the couch. He’s slept in my bed, he’s used my shower, I have a fucking closet full of his stuff. But he’s gone. He hasn’t been here in over two months. It hurts, and I’m alone, but I want him to be happy. So drop it, Olivia.”

Olivia was looking down at her feet, pinching the bridge of her nose and breathing in deeply. Rafael could feel waves of anger washing through him. But he wasn’t angry at her, or Sonny. He was angry at himself, for thinking he’d found a companion, a good friend, for letting him in all the way, for trusting him blindly, just to have the floor open up beneath his feet.

“I’ll drop it, but don’t beat yourself up over this, Rafa,” she said, as if reading his mind. “I know the two of you were really close, but you’ve got a living room full of people who are here to celebrate you.”

“I appreciate that, Liv. But somehow that only makes his absence even louder,” he replied, pained.

He didn’t mean to be so melodramatic, but he felt betrayed regardless.

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah came running into the kitchen. He grabbed Rafael’s hand and pulled him towards the living room. “Jesse and I made you a present, come see.”

Rafael smiled at the little boy and let him guide him until they were sitting around the coffee table. Jesse and Noah had drawn him a picture of himself with a huge birthday cake and colorful balloons. As the children explained the drawing, Rafael tried not to look at the vacant spot beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I know we're not happy about Sonny and Joanna (and I chose that name because I love it and I thought it'd make me less sad to write it if she had that name, but I was wrong), but our boys will get there! It's a long journey, and I hope you stick with me! 
> 
> Thank you for all the support you've shown this story so far. It's the first time I write a slower burn and I didn't think it'd be this much fun. So thank you! Please, don't forget to leave a kudo and a comment <3


	8. Forgiving Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael finds Sonny at his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t thank you enough for all the support yall have shown this story. The drama is just getting started, and I’m happy that you’re sticking with me!
> 
> Enjoy!

Rafael truly enjoyed when his mother let him have a free Sunday in instead of dragging him around the city for God knows what. He’d had the laziest day he would allow himself, and it was approaching dinner time when he decided to cook some food.

Unsurprisingly though, his fridge was mostly empty. He didn’t really have a reason to keep it stocked nowadays. 

His apartment was silent, dreadfully so. That’s why he had been spending most of his time at the office or with Olivia. He even went out to drinks with Amaro and Rollins a couple times. Anything to keep him out of the apartment where loneliness choked him like a vicious claw around his neck.

Tonight was no different. He was considering taking a long shower and changing to go have dinner out, maybe call Rita for drinks, when the doorbell rang. 

He frowned. He wasn’t expecting anyone. 

Rafael checked his watch. It was almost 7pm, and that really wasn’t a common time for a visit on a Sunday, but he went to open the door anyway. 

On the other side, he found Sonny. 

His breath caught in his throat when he saw the Detective was holding a cake in one hand, candles and all, and a little gift bag in the other. He looked about to cry from guilt.

Two weeks later, apparently he remembered. Rafael wanted to laugh. 

“Happy birthday, Raf,” he said, his voice sounding small and strained. “Please blow out your candles and don’t slam the door on my face.” 

Rafael looked from the cake to Sonny. “I believe you’re about two weeks too late.” 

Sonny’s shoulders sagged, and his faced turned a little red. “Rafael, I’m so, so sorry. I can explain.” 

“I’m sure you can,” he tried to hold back his sneer, he really did. But this was ridiculous. Leave it to Sonny to show up at his door like this.

“Will you let me in?,” Sonny asked, his eyes big and hopeful. As if he’d ever deny him that. 

Rafael sighed and stood to the side, leaving him enough space to walk in. 

“If you don’t blow out the candles, the wax will melt into the frosting,” Sonny tried, joking lightly as he set the cake on the kitchen counter.

Rafael gave him a hard look, licked the tip of his index finger and put the two little flames out between his pointer and thumb. 

Sonny nodded, looking defeated. “I guess I deserve that. But can we talk?” 

“I’m actually on my way out,” he lied, looking at Sonny defiantly. He really wasn’t in the mood to hear excuses. He was still hurting after all. And feeling a little petty.

“Right,” he frowned. “Okay, so. I just wanted to give you this,” he handed Rafael the gift bag. “You can throw it out if you want. I understand.” 

“Why are you here?,” Rafael asked, setting the bag next to the cake. He was curious to see what was inside, but there were some things to be said. 

“Because I’m an ass,” Sonny said urgently. “I made a huge, enormous mistake and I don’t know how to fix it. Because I miss you, and I’m sorry, Rafael. As soon as I realized what I did, I thought the shame was going to kill me.” 

“When did you remember?,” he was trying to seem as unaffected as he could. 

“I saw that,” he pointed at the gift bag. “And I thought it would be the perfect birthday gift for you. Then I checked the day’s date and it all came crashing down on me. I swear I know when your birthday is, Rafael, I just lost track of time.” 

“I tried to invite you to the lunch party I was throwing,” Rafael deadpanned, his jaw set.

“And I said I was busy before you even got two words in, yeah,” Sonny flushed. “Again, I’m so very sorry. I should have listened. I should have given you more than half of my attention. I really didn’t mean to disappoint you, it’s just that -”

He took a deep breath, and when he exhaled, it came out so shaky it sounded like he was sobbing. 

“It’s just really hard trying to make my relationship work. And Bella’s pregnant, I don’t know if you heard.” 

“You weren’t around to tell me, so no, I didn’t know,” he said dryly. “But I’ll make sure to send her my congratulations.” 

“Right. So whenever I’m in the city and not at SVU, I’m with her. It’s her first baby, she’s freaking out about the whole thing. I swear she calls every other hour to tell me about it. And you deserve better than the way I’ve been treating you at work, but I’m just so stressed right now, I thought keeping my distance was the best way to go. But I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” 

Rafael nodded along. He was sympathetic to Sonny’s situation. And he missed him so much he was thirty seconds away from pulling him into a hug.

Instead of doing that, he grabbed the gift bag to open it. 

Inside the bag there was a box very tastefully wrapped. When he opened it, his breath caught. It was a beautiful, vintage-looking, bronze pocket watch. It was sturdy, heavy in his hand, and it worked perfectly. 

“It’s so you I’m surprised you don’t own one already,” Sonny said, smiling a little. 

“This is a stunning piece,” he breathed, looking closely. 

“It was kinda expensive, so if you don’t want it, you should probably sell it,” he suggested, sounding tense. 

Rafael shook his head. “I’m not selling it.” 

He heard Sonny exhale again, more evenly this time. “I’m glad you like it.” 

“I’m still pissed at you,” he said, putting the watch carefully back in the box. 

“That’s fair.” 

“Would you like some cake?,” he offered, and almost broke into song when Sonny beamed and nodded excitedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank Lili for sending me a picture of pocket watches and saying Sonny would get one for Rafael. He did! 
> 
> Don’t let this chapter fool you, though. Their friendship is far from restored. Also, I’ve officially finished writing chapter 15 and now I’m considering whether or not to write an epilogue. Let me know how you feel! 
> 
> See you tomorrow!


	9. Loving Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael realizes something important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall have made this my most commented story so far! I love that so much. Thank you for interacting with me. I love seeing all your predictions and hearing about whose side you're on. Please, never stop!
> 
> Enjoy this new chapter! It's a big one.

Rafael had to admit it was naive of him to think that things would go back to normal after Sonny’s late birthday visit. They took that night to catch up, and although there were some awkward and pregnant pauses here and there, they got along just fine.

He had imagine they’d slowly find their footing again and rekindle their friendship. Rafael was stupidly wrong.

Things hadn’t gotten necessarily worse, mind you. Sonny had picked up the habit of chatting with him sometimes, asking how things were, telling him about Bella’s pregnancy. It was mostly small talk, and it made Rafael ache for the easy companionship they used to share.

They knew each other so well, it used to be so easy to be around Sonny. It was so good knowing he could rely on him, call at all random hours to ask for help, to have someone to share a drink with during the week.

Now it was like they were acquaintances, and every time Rafael saw Sonny, he couldn’t help the fleeting feeling of disappointment that brought along an already too familiar sense of rejection twisting around his gut.

Rafael had had falling outs before. Eddie, Alex and Yelina still burned in the back on his mind. He still held a grudge towards them for abusing his trust. Rafael knew they were in the wrong, and never felt guilty for rejecting their attempts to reconnect. He knew he was better off without them.

But with Sonny it was different. It hurt in a way he never imagined a lost friendship could hurt. Maybe he was getting soft in his old age, but he finally figured out that the feeling was actually something else entirely the day Sonny’s girlfriend visited him at SVU.

The squad was gathered in Olivia’s office. The Lieutenant standing behind her desk, Sonny leaning against it, Fin and Rollins sitting across from her, and Amaro beside Rafael on the couch.

Fin and Rollins were briefing them on two witness statements when there was a soft knock on the door. It was the desk Sergeant, and he had barely stepped into the room when Sonny caught sight of who was behind him.

“Joanna!,” he called out, half-surprised, half-excited. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi,” she walked in and met him halfway, right in front of Rafael. Sonny placed a quick peck on her lips, and Rafael fell his stomach sinking. “I came to see if you were available for lunch, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Joanna added quickly, looking around the room with wide eyes.

“We’re almost done, but you wanted to meet Olivia, right?,” he beamed as she nodded. “Here she is,” Sonny made a dramatic gesture towards his Lieutenant. “Lieutenant Olivia Benson, the best boss in all of New York.”

Olivia rounded her desk with a small smile, offering Joanna her hand. “No need to push it, Carisi. It’s nice to meet you, Joanna. Carisi has told us a lot about you.”

Sonny introduced the rest of the squad and one by one they stood up to shake her hand and make some type of joke about the Detective. When Sonny turned to him, Rafael thought he was going to implode.

“And you remember I told you about Rafael, right?”

“Of course, the ADA,” Joanna’s smile grew as she held out her hand. “Sonny’s such a fan of yours, he’s told me all about your trials.”

Rafael honestly didn’t want to interact with her at all, because the more he looked at her by Sonny’s side, the more he felt a burning sensation in his stomach. But the whole squad was looking at him, their faces cautiously neutral.

“Yes, Rafael Barba,” he shook her hand with a forced smile.

Sonny kept looking at him, like he was expecting something else, but when the silence grew in the room, he turned back to his girlfriend. “Why don’t you take a sit at my desk while we wrap things up?,” he offered, indicating which desk was his. “I’ll be right out.”

Joanna left Olivia’s office with a beaming smile and short little waves at everybody.

“She’s pretty,” Fin offered, and they all moved on. Rafael was grateful for dropping the subject and he tried to ignore Sonny’s sudden giddiness, but he couldn’t ignore the unpleasantness building inside him.

That’s when he realized he was _jealous_.

He wasn’t only mourning the loss of a good friendship, he was jealous. And not in a juvenile you-stole-my-best-friend kind of way. He resented Joanna because she was dating Sonny.

But when the hell did Rafael’s subconscious decide he wanted to date Sonny?

 _Probably around time he slept in your bed_ , his mind supplied.

Rafael remembered when he woke up an hour before his alarm, the room still mostly dark, with Sonny half on top on him. He was lying on his back, Sonny’s arm across his stomach, his head on his shoulder, and one of his legs curling around one of Rafael’s.

He watched Sonny for a while, goosebumps washing over him at the feeling of Sonny’s even breathing tickling across his chest. Slowly, he wrapped one arm around Sonny’s shoulders, and his other hand came up to rest on Sonny’s bicep, right below his bandage. He fell back asleep like that.

Or perhaps it was the way Rafael danced along with Sonny in his kitchen, a pot of pasta cooking between them.

Maybe it was how Sonny fell asleep with his head on his shoulder while they binge-watched whatever trashy showed he wanted to watch.

But it also could have been all the times Rafael lifted his head to see Sonny sitting across from him in his office, going through motions to dismiss, chewing on a pen as he concentrated.

Maybe it was the funny texts Sonny sent him throughout the day, selfies and emojis included.

Or how Sonny instinctively placed himself in front of Rafael when a perp pulled a gun on the judge. It could be the way Sonny cared for him, knew when not to press him, knew how he liked his coffee, knew what side of the bed was his, knew how to cook his favorite meal from memory.

Perhaps it was the way Sonny’s attention was fully on him every single time Rafael walked into a room.

Now it was Joanna who got to see that, and the way his heart dropped to his feet made it clear how much he hated that idea. And not in a close friend type of way.

Rafael had gone so deep into his crisis that he didn’t even realize Olivia had wrapped up the briefing and dismissed everybody. He came back to it when she closed the door and sat next to him, an assessing look on her face.

“Are you okay?,” she asked softly, her hand on his knee.

“I think I just realized something,” he whispered, looking straight ahead, his eyes unfocused.

“What?”

He knew she knew. He was sure, in the way she squeezed his knee sympathetically. In the sad way she was looking at him. She knew.

“I think,” Rafael started, turning to Olivia with a pained expression. “I think I’m in love with Sonny.”

Olivia nodded, trying to smile. “Yeah.”

“What the hell do I do now?,” he hated how choked up he sounded, but there was a lump in his throat he couldn’t get rid of.

“Support him,” she whispered. “And move on.”

God, it hurt that she was right. He wanted to yell that it wasn’t fair, he wanted to throw a tantrum, argue against it, but he couldn’t. Because Sonny had made his choice, and it wasn’t him.

So Rafael simply nodded, stood up, and left Olivia’s office.

Unfortunately for him, Joanna called him from the bullpen as soon as he came out the door. Slowly, he turned, making sure to keep his expression as neutral as possible as she approached him, Sonny trailing behind her sheepishly.

“I know you and Sonny are really close friends, so we were just talking, and I wanted to invite you to have lunch with us on Saturday,” she said, smiling brightly, and Rafael almost laughed out loud at the irony of the request. “I’m staying in the city this week, and Sonny said he’d cook.”

Rafael looked over at Sonny, who wasn’t really making himself known, but looked very expectant. Support him, Olivia said.

“Sure,” he replied. “Sounds great.”

“Really?,” Joanna giggled. “Great! That’s awesome. We’ll see you at Sonny’s at noon, then.”

“See you then,” Rafael offered her a curt nod, and gave Sonny a small smile, but it fell as soon as he turned his back to them.

At every step he took, he felt like he was stepping on his own heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think now that Rafael knows, we can officially say he's pining, right? hehehe 
> 
> I'm working on an epilogue right now, so if it's any good, soon this will story change from 15 to 16 chapters! Thank you for everyone who asked for it. Yall make me smile so much <3
> 
> Don't forget to live a lil kudo and a comment, and follow me on twitter for more updates: @pastelpinktv


	10. Losing Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael has lunch with Sonny and Joanna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is officially my most read yet! Yall really did that! Thank you <3
> 
> Enjoy!

Rafael thought going to Sonny’s for lunch with his girlfriend was a good idea. He thought seeing them together would help him move on from his newfound feelings. But the knife on his back just kept twisting and twisting at every look the two of them shared.

Joanna was, honestly, a really sweet girl. She was soft spoken and graceful. She was smart and seemed very studious. She looked at Sonny like he hung the moon. 

But Rafael couldn’t, for the life of him, like her. 

She was incredibly boring. Her sense of humor was practically nonexistent. She didn’t have strong opinions on anything. She was very easily impressed, and seemed like a little bit of a pushover. 

If Rafael was to sit in Sonny’s apartment having his heart broken, he thought it should at least be with someone who was compatible with Sonny.

Instead he had to watch Joanna make googly eyes at Sonny and touch him excessively as she tried to keep the conversation going.

“So you’re Cuban, right?,” Joanna asked, and Rafael saw Sonny’s shoulders tense slightly. “Where from?”

“I’m Cuban-American,” he corrected. “I was born here, but my family is from Havana.” 

“Oh,” she giggled. “Just like the song.” 

Rafael blinked at her, then took a slow sip of his Scotch. Sonny sent him a little sympathetic smile.

“Do you like the song?”

“I don’t think I’ve heard it,” Rafael lied. He knew the song. It was an okay song, nothing special about it. He wasn’t sure what Joanna’s point was. 

“Really?! It plays on the radio all the time,” she frowned. “Sonny likes it.” 

Sonny had been looking at Rafael without blinking during the whole conversation, but hearing Joanna call his name snapped him out of it. He looked at her, shrugging nonchalantly. 

“It’s an okay song,” he said, then stood up. “I’m going to serve dessert. It’s your favorite, Rafael. How about we move this to the living room and get a little comfortable?!”

Rafael made to stand up as well. “I’ll help you,” he offered, and Sonny beamed, but Joanna frantically waved a hand at him. 

“Nonsense, you’re the guest,” she smiled. “Go and get comfortable.” 

He held back a sigh. He just wanted a moment alone with Sonny, but his girlfriend seemed very intent in not letting that happen. It was annoying. 

Regardless, Rafael grabbed his glass and moved to the living room, sitting on the side of the couch he always sat on. It was eerily familiar, and something uncomfortable twisted inside him again. 

From there, the afternoon only took a turn for the worse. Because Sonny took a seat beside him like he always did, but with Joanna all snuggled up on his side.

From the corner of his eyes, he could see her hand on Sonny’s thigh. He could hear her whispering to him, kissing his cheek. He heard Sonny chuckle, and they made an inside joke Rafael couldn’t follow. 

Twenty minutes later, they moved, and rearranged themselves so Sonny’s could wrap both his arms around her, hugging her tightly as she cuddled into him. They laughed along with the show, but Rafael was falling too deep into himself to pay attention to the TV. 

At one point, Sonny poked him on the knee, pointed at something on the screen and made a silly joke. Rafael didn’t really see any humor in it, especially when Sonny’s arm went back around his girlfriend and pulled her in tight. He kissed her head, her cheek, and then gave her a soft peck on the lips. 

Rafael felt like he was seconds away from dying as his heart constricted in his chest. 

He felt like he couldn’t breathe properly, so he threw back the rest of his drink and swallowed hard. Normally, this would be the moment Sonny would offer to refill his glass, but he didn’t, because he was looking at Joanna and didn’t notice. She whispered something, and Sonny laughed again, then looked back at the TV.

Rafael’s glass burned in his hand. His breathing got even harder. 

Feeling like he’d put himself through enough, he stood up, setting the empty tumbler on the coffee table with a loud thud. “I better go,” he announced.

“Already?,” Sonny frowned, taking one arm away from Joanna to point at the TV. “But we were just -”

“Yeah, it’s getting late,” he pressed, panicking slightly at the way Joanna was looking at him as if he was crazy. 

“Rafael, are you-?”

“Thank you for having me,” Rafael interrupted again, his voice strained as he marched towards the door. “The food was great. You outdid yourself, Sonny.”

“Uh,” Sonny looked confused as he got up and followed Rafael. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you Monday,” he said, grabbing his coat. 

“Raf, wait,” he grabbed Rafael’s arm to stop him reaching for the doorknob. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Rafael nodded and almost stepped back when Sonny leaned forward. He felt extremely overwhelmed. 

“Did you not like Joanna?,” Sonny asked in a whisper, sounding deeply hurt.

“No, no,” he shook his head. “She’s great, Sonny. I’m really happy for you. I just really have to go.” 

Sonny considered him suspiciously, and he looked about to protest some more, but then Joanna showed up at his side with a soft smile. 

“It was great having you, Rafael,” she said, and Rafael thought she sounded genuine. “I hope you’ll come around again some time soon.”

“Yeah. Thanks for having me,” he tried to return her smile, but it fell flat. 

“Text me when you get home, alright?,” Sonny asked, still frowning a little. Rafael tried smiling again. It wouldn’t do to make Sonny think he was upset. 

“I will,” he nodded. “Until next time. Bye, Joanna.”

By the time he got home, Rafael still felt like his heart was collapsing inside his chest, but he texted Sonny anyway, telling him he got home okay.

Sonny didn’t reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done for this week! Next chapter will be up on Monday. This story will definitely have an epilogue, and I'm currently halfway through it. It'll be a little longer than current chapters, too. 
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me for another week. Your comments mean the world to me, really. 
> 
> If you like it so far, please leave little a kudo <3 Have a great weekend, my loves!


	11. Moving on From Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael tries to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are for the last week of Catching Feelings! I'm excited because a lot is about to happen, but sad because I don't want to let this story go. 
> 
> Also, you may notice that it went from 15 chapters to 16! That's because I finished writing an epilogue. So, this week, we're gonna have updates up until Saturday!
> 
> Who's excited? Enjoy!

Olivia was right, Rafael had to move on. Sonny was happy, and he was trying to be as supportive as he could, but he needed to get a grip and get over it.

So his first plan of action was inviting Rita out for drinks, for old times’ sake, but a guy sitting across the bar kept sending him free cocktails and giving him bedroom eyes. Rafael couldn’t deny it, he was very handsome. Dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes and a bright smile.

When the third drink came, Rita rolled her eyes at him and bid him goodnight with a smirk. It took about 15 seconds for the man to take her seat beside Rafael.

That night, for the first time in what felt like a decade, Rafael took a stranger home. He regretted it as soon as they were done, but the guy left without any fuss, leaving his card on Rafael’s nightstand.

All in all, it was a good night.

He also shared more dinners with Olivia, mostly in her apartment so she could put Noah to bed at reasonable hours. It was good spending time with her because he got to speak openly about the Sonny situation.

“I’m trying to move on,” Rafael told her over a shared portion of mac and cheese leftovers.

“That’s good, Rafa,” she smiled. “I’m sorry it had to happen this way.”

Rafael frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well, the timing is all wrong, isn’t it?!,” she shrugged. “Maybe if you had realized it sooner, things might have worked out.”

He laughed humorlessly. “Absolutely not. Olivia, Sonny is ten years younger than me. He wants to fall in love and get married. Not to mention he wants a bunch of children. That’s not what I want. It wouldn’t work.”

Olivia looked at him for a moment, assessing him.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “I hate it when you try to read me.”

“I have to, it’s the only way to get past your bullshit.”

“Excuse me,” he huffed. “I’m an open book.”

“Yeah?,” she smirked. “Then what’s the real reason why you think you and Sonny wouldn’t work?”

Rafael considered lying. He thought of waving her off, changing the subject. But this was Olivia, and trying to get away from this conversation wouldn’t do him any good.

So he let out a long sigh, and said, “Because I’m me, Olivia. I’m set in my ways, I’m too skeptical, too untrusting. I’ve been saying I don’t want a relationship for years because I don’t know if I’d know how to be in a relationship.”

“You remember how we all thought you and Sonny were together?,” she asked and he rolled his eyes dramatically. Of course he remembered, he and Sonny used to joke about it all the time. Oh, how the tables turn. “That was because the two of you behaved exactly like a couple would. You were practically dating and you never even noticed.”

“Please,” Rafael scoffed. “We may have shared a bed, but we’ve certainly never had sex.”

“Don’t be stupid, it’s not a good look on you,” Olivia said sternly. It was the voice she used when she was trying to reason with Noah, and it was very amusing. “You know a relationship is not about sex. What are you, 16?! Yeah, sex is part of it, but at our age -“

“Don’t say _our age_ ,” he interrupted, slightly offended. “We’re not that old and I’m younger than you anyway.”

“ _At our age_ ,” Olivia continued, unimpressed. “It’s much more about companionship, having someone to rely on, someone to fall back on. It’s about having a partner, a solid friendship, with the benefit of sex and romantic gestures.”

He chuckled. “You should have been a poet, Liv. That’s some good material.”

“I’m being serious, Rafael.”

“What even is the point of this conversation?,” he groaned. “Sonny has a girlfriend. He’s probably going to propose any day now. I’m trying to move on, like you advised me to. Isn’t there a saying that goes ‘if you love someone, you have to let them go’? Well, I’m letting him go.”

Olivia sighed. “I’m sorry, Rafael.”

He looked into his mostly untouched glass of wine and sighed. “The worst isn’t even the not dating part. I miss his friendship. I miss him being noisy in my kitchen and sending me stupid selfies all day.”

She gave him a sad smile. “Yeah, I get that. And for what is worth, I’m pretty sure he misses you too.”

Rafael tilted his head. “What makes you say that?”

“He checks his phone a lot,” she shrugged. “And I know it’s not because of Joanna. They don’t really text during work hours. And he gets this look on his face when someone mentions you. Like, longing, maybe. And the other day… You remember when Amaro made the files delivery?”

“Yeah, that was surprising,” he snorted.

“Well, you’ll be even more surprised to know that Amaro actually offered to make the trip. I thought Sonny was going to fight him right there. But then, his shoulders slumped and he looked very resigned.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “That’s on him, Olivia. I’m not the one who’s been ignoring him.”

“I know,” she nodded. “But what I’m trying to say is that he misses you, too. And Amaro will probably keep doing the file deliveries for a while.”

“Then I’ll buy him a couple drinks as a thanks.”

“That’s a great idea,” Olivia laughed. “Make new friends, go out more, have sex.”

Rafael threw his head back in laughter. “Who are you and what have you done with Olivia Benson?”

“Just because I see the worst side of things as a job doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how enjoyable sex can be,” she shrugged.

“You’re right,” he nodded. “I brought a guy home a week ago. It was nice. Helped me forget my own misery for a while.”

“Well, there you go,” she smiled.

Rafael checked his watch, and smirked. “You know what, it’s still early. I’ll give him a call and see if he wants to meet up again.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow at him. “You exchanged numbers?”

“He left his card.”

“Then he’ll definitely want to meet up again,” she smirked as he made his way towards the coat rack.

“I hope so,” he winked at her. “For the sake of moving on and whatnot.”

“Good for you, Rafa,” she nodded. “But be careful.”

“I always am,” Rafael shrugged on his coat and walked to the door. “Besides, I’ve got your number on speed dial.”

Olivia frowned. “Don’t joke about that.”

“I’m not,” he shook his head urgently. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant… In case I need a friend.”

Her expression softened, and she stepped closer to him to pull him into a tight hug. “Carisi might have his head up his own ass, but you can count on me, Rafa.”

“I know,” he smiled, hugging her back. “Thanks for dinner, Liv.”

“Of course. And hey, if your guy falls through, call Nick about those drinks, he’s off tonight.”

Rafael nodded, considering it. “I might.”

That night, he found himself having drinks with Amaro, but with another meet up with the guy from the bar planned for the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, Rafael deserves to have a little fun. And he will. This is kinda important for the story as a whole. Sonny doesn't have to be/isn't the only person who cares about Rafael. 
> 
> Also, how about we get this story to 100 kudos? Only a little more and we'll get there! 
> 
> Not gonna lie, I miss talking to you guys on the weekends, but here we are for another week, so let me know what your predictions are and what you want to see, because we're almost at the end. See you tomorrow!


	12. Letting Sonny Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is trying to have some fun, but Sonny has a few words to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly enough, this chapter was my favorite one to write. The confrontation was incredibly satisfying. Not as satisfying as writing the two of them waking up in bed together, mind you, but I liked it.
> 
> Enjoy!

The last couple weeks had been surprisingly good. He had met up with Amaro a couple times, and dinners with Olivia had become kind of a regular thing as well. Rita was good company as long as they didn’t talk about work, so he also went out with her more often. 

The guy from the bar, Jonathan, said yes every time Rafael called, and that was thrilling. Rafael was happy to learn he wasn’t looking to actually date, but that he enjoyed Rafael’s company, especially because he was, and this is a direct quote, ‘really fucking hot’. 

Jonathan was a realtor, and Rafael found they could keep a nice, relaxed conversation going over drinks. The guy knew New York like the back of his hand, and had the craziest stories to tell. It was a great way to wind down at the end of the day; frivolous talk and mindless sex.

As far as the ‘letting go of Sonny’ business went, Rafael thought he was doing really well. It still hurt like hell when he thought of what they once were or, in his weakest moments, what they had the potential to become. But those thoughts were coming less frequently recently, and he managed to keep seeing Sonny in a professional setting without much problem.

Well, at least he thought he did, until the day Sonny burst into his office, stomped over to him and, with his hands on his hips, asked, “You slept with Amaro?”

Rafael felt like he’d just been thrown into another dimension. “What?”

“There have been rumors going around about you two,” Sonny huffed. “Someone saw you together at a bar. Then Amanda asked him and he said it was true.”

Rafael tried to keep his expression neutral as he tried to figure out why the fuck Amaro was going around saying they had sex. “It’s none of your business.”

“He’s my partner,” Sonny protested, his frown deepening

Rafael chuckled dryly. “Then talk to him about it.”  

“But we’re friends.”

“We were,” he deadpanned, giving Sonny a hard look. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but before that lunch at your apartment, we hadn’t shared a meal in over two months. And  _ that _ was almost another two months ago. I know you’re busy with your relationship, and I understand, but you’ve sidelined our friendship, so don’t expect me to be sitting here waiting for whenever you feel like showing me off to your girlfriend.”

Sonny raised both his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest. “So instead of telling me you’d like to hang out more you go and have sex with my partner?”

Rafael laughed a sarcastic laugh. “Believe it or not, Carisi, who I have sex with has nothing to do with you. We could have been braiding each other’s hair and I can still go to bed with whomever I want.”

“Yeah, but why  _ my  _ partner?,” he argued, his voice strained. “We all work together! Are you going to disclose?”

“There’s nothing to disclose.”

“Fine,” Sonny uncrossed his arms and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Listen Rafael, I’m sorry I neglected you. It’s been hard, with Joanna living in Brooklyn and Bella pregnant.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, so you’ve said.”

Sonny sighed and took a step closer to his desk, suddenly looking tired. “Would you like to come to mine for dinner tonight?”

“No,” Rafael shook his head.

“No?,” he blinked, surprised.

“No, I have a date,” it wasn’t a date. He and Jonathan were going to do what they always did. Meet at a bar, share a couple drinks and maybe some appetizers, then go to Rafael’s. He was honestly looking forward to it.   

Sonny’s face was set like stone. “A date? With Amaro?”

“It’s none of your business,” Rafael pressed. However, he didn’t plan on keeping up the façade of a fake relationship with Amaro, so he added, to his own benefit, “But no, with someone else.” 

“I guess I’m really out of the loop,” he mumbled, looking dejected. 

Rafael shot him a hard, long look. “Whose fault is that?” 

“I thought you weren’t looking for a relationship.” 

“Again, none of your business,” he shook his head. 

“It used to be,” Sonny said, his voice small, and Rafael’s gut clenched. 

As casually as he could, he shrugged. “Well, things change.” 

“Clearly,” he ran a hand across his face, then looked at Rafael with his trademark kicked puppy look. “I’m sorry, Rafael.”

“You keep apologizing.” 

Sonny sighed. “Because I don’t know what else to say.” 

“Then don’t say anything,” he said sternly. “Goodbye, Carisi.” 

Rafael watched in silence as Sonny gave him a sad look, nodded, and left, closing the door softly behind him. He made sure to wait until the Detective was far from his office to let out a loud grunt, dropping his head in his hands. 

This was ridiculous. He was doing fine. Everything was going well. Who the fuck did Sonny think he was to barge into his office demanding to know who he was sleeping with? Why the fuck was he acting like he suddenly cared about Rafael?

He couldn’t help the anger and resentment building inside of him. 

But before he made the stupid decision of making himself a drink when he still had at least three hours of work ahead of him, Rafael grabbed his phone and called Amaro.

“Did he trash your office?,” was Amaro’s way of greeting him.

“What the hell did you say to him?,” Rafael demanded. 

“I didn’t  _ say  _ anything,” Amaro had the nerve to laugh. “Amanda told me what the rumours were, apparently we’ve been sleeping together for like a month now, sounds like a very stable relationship from what I’ve heard, and I didn’t deny it. She asked, I shrugged, said we’ve been out a couple times, and they assumed the rest.”

“Have you lost your mind? Why didn’t you deny it?” 

“Because of the look on Carisi’s face,” he said matter-of-factly. “He almost punched me, you know. Grabbed me by my jacket and screamed in my face.” 

Rafael gaped. “What?” 

Amaro laughed again. “Yeah, he asked ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing?’, then Rollins pulled him off of me. Barba, he was really jealous. And I went with it. I’ll deny it if it comes up again, or if anyone else asks, but after everything you told me, I just couldn’t help myself.” 

Rafael was still gaping, his jaw dropping open. Although they had gone out a few times, he really didn’t expect Amaro to suddenly be supportive or even protective of him. Sure, they had a few things in common, and Amaro was actually a pretty funny guy, but he wasn’t even sure if he could call him anything more than a coworker. 

Well, now he supposed he ought to put Amaro under the ‘friends’ category. 

“Amaro, I really appreciate that. I guess I owe you a couple drinks.” 

“Oh you definitely do, this might cost me my partnership, you know? I wouldn’t be surprised if he walked back in here and went straight into Liv’s office to ask for a new partner.” 

“And you’re okay with that?” 

“Yeah. With the way he’s been treating you, he had it coming.”

And wasn’t that touching? Rafael smiled despite himself. 

“Nick, are you straight?,” he asked suddenly, changing his tone to lightly joking.

Amaro laughed, louder this time. “Why? Are you gonna offer to suck my dick as a thanks if I say no?”

The thought hadn’t actually crossed his mind, but Amaro was very good-looking, and apparently Rafael was in the mood lately. “I wouldn’t mind that.” 

“Thanks Barba, but I’m gonna have to pass,” he said, then paused. “At least for now. I’ll reconsider my answer once this whole drama is over.”

Rafael chuckled. “Some opportunities don’t last forever, Nick.” 

There was another pause. A longer one this time. And Rafael couldn’t help but feel giddy. 

He felt like this whole time he had had tunnel vision on Sonny. He was so focused on him, he failed to noticed all the other people around him. Well, apparently he was in love with the man, so it made sense, but suddenly realizing what, and who, was around him made him appreciate everything more. It made him want to put in the effort.

“Yeah?,” Nick said, his voice low. “What are you doing tonight?”

“I’ve already got a prior engagement tonight.” 

“How about tomorrow night, then?”

“I’m free,” he smiled, feeling somewhat victorious. 

“Great. See you then. Same bar?” 

“Yes. See you then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN, LET MY BOY RAFAEL ENJOY HIMSELF. This is kind of a turning point in the story, we're almost there. The next three chapters are going to be from Sonny's point of view, so we're going to see how he's been handling all that's going on. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for surpassing 100 kudos, and reaching 2k hits! That means the absolute world to me. Much love and light to all of you <3 and don't forget to leave a cheeky comment on your way out! See you tomorrow!


	13. Wanting Rafael Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny pines, and Olivia lays the truth down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 2k hits! Also, if you'd like to see updates on what I'm currently working on, go ahead and follow me on twitter @pastelpinktv, I scream a lot about these two idiots in love. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Sonny had no idea what was going on between Amaro and Rafael, but he hated it. He hated it so much that he almost walked into the Lieutenant’s office to ask for a new partner. He didn’t, however, because he couldn’t come up with a valid reason why. 

He couldn’t demand to switch partners with Fin simply because ‘I heard Amaro and Rafael are having sex and I don’t like that’. 

But when the hell had that happened? Rafael and Nick barely spoke, even when it was about a case. He knew it had started after Amaro offered to deliver case files to Rafael’s office. Sonny’s stomach had turned unpleasantly when Amaro said he’d do it. He should have stopped him like he had wanted to.

Now here they were, chatting like old friends by the bar. And the rumors only got louder and louder.

It didn’t make any sense. Rafael had said, multiple times, that he didn’t want to date, that a relationship was far from a priority. Then why did Sonny keep hearing about Rafael going out with Amaro every other night? 

He clenched his teeth as he watched Amaro’s hand on Rafael’s arm. They were so comfortable around each other, it was unnerving. 

Rafael looked happy. Happier than he had looked in a very long time. Definitely happier than the last night they had lunch together, at Sonny’s apartment with Joanna, almost three months ago now.

He knew it was his fault, that he had been neglecting Rafael, but it hurt a little.

Because Rafael had no idea how hard it was, not being around him as much as he used to be. As much as he would like to be.

He had no idea that the only reason why he gave Joanna a chance was because Rafael was so against a relationship. All the effort he was putting on his relationship now, all he was investing in keeping Joanna happy, he was once willing to invest in Rafael. 

Sonny mistakenly fell in love with him, around the time he got shot in the arm, around the time they shared a bed for three nights in a row, around the time he woke up snuggling up to Rafael every morning. 

It wasn’t supposed to happen. Rafael was his closest friend, he didn’t mean to catch feelings for him. But he did. And when he pulled his head out of the water, he realized it was too late, all the lines were way past blurred, and he had to try and move on, to try and keep his heart on check and respect Rafael’s wishes. 

Now he had Joanna, and apparently Rafael had Amaro. 

He ran his hand through his hair, distressed. Why Amaro? Why  _ his partner _ when Sonny had been there all along? 

It hurt.  

“Carisi,” his Lieutenant called. “We’re supposed to be celebrating. You look like someone stole your puppy.”

He tried to smile at her, but his jaw was too tense for that. So instead, he jerked his head towards the lovely couple by the bar and asked, “They’re dating?”

She looked over at Rafael and Amaro, both of them laughing, and shrugged. “I’m not sure. But I don’t think so. Why do you care?”

“Because it’s Rafael,” he said sternly. “I can’t not care about him.”

Olivia chuckled dryly as she sat across from him. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it.” 

“I’ve apologized more times than I can count.”

“And yet you still keep treating him the same way,” she said, matter-of-factly. “Don’t tell me you’re surprised your excuses fell flat.”

“What am I supposed to do?,” he exploded, pushing his glass away and almost tipping it all over himself. “He told me time and time again he didn’t want a relationship, that he wasn’t interested in dating. What was I supposed to do?”

“You were supposed to be his friend,” Olivia frowned. “What, were you faking it this whole time, expecting he would some day decide he wanted to date you?” 

“No, of course not,” Sonny ran his hand through his hair again, almost pulling it out. “But being his friend just wasn’t enough anymore, Liv. It was killing me, being so close to him, all that intimacy. Even though I miss him like hell, I couldn’t keep doing it.”

“Right,” she narrowed her eyes. “So you moved on to someone willing to date you. Well, guess what, Carisi, so did he.”

“But I was willing!,” he yelled, banging his fist on the table. 

“Did you tell him that?”

“No, every time we talked about relationships he’d say he didn’t want one,” he remembered it all too well.

“So you expect him to read your mind?,” she snorted humorlessly. “This is none of your business, but I’ll tell you anyway. The people Rafael has seen the past couple of months have made it very clear what they want from him. _You_ never did.”

Sonny sat with that for a moment, sagging back into his seat. His breathing was a little uneven, and he felt his heart sinking heavily in his chest. 

_ The people _ , Olivia said. The people who were making Rafael happy. The people who weren’t afraid to tell him how much they wanted him. The people who weren’t neglecting him. 

“I want him back,” Sonny said when he found his voice. “I want him to know how I feel about him. Then whatever he decides, I’ll take it. Even if it means -,” he swallowed hard, unable to say the words.

Olivia raised both eyebrows at him. “What about Joanna?”

Sonny sighed. He liked Joanna, he really did. She was a very good person. But being with her was like settling. It was safe, easy, monotonous, and honestly a little boring. He couldn’t see himself marrying her. But he had wanted to move on from Rafael, and she was lovely and looking for a committed relationship. 

So he threw himself completely into it, like he did with most things, but now she was a reminder of everything he had to give up on. She was the reason why Sonny felt so alone. 

“I think I’m gonna break up with her,” he said, his voice small. 

“Yeah, you better do that before you try anything else,” Olivia looked at him with sharp eyes. 

“They’re not serious, then?,” Sonny asked, indicating Nick and Rafael again. They were leaning closer to each other now, talking in whispers. 

Olivia shook her head. “I don’t know. When I asked if he’d like to disclose anything, Rafael said they were just having fun, whatever that means.” 

“They seem awfully cozy,” he grimaced. 

“Ah, that’s rich coming from you, Carisi. I remember you kissed your girlfriend in my office, right in front of him.”

Sonny scoffed. “Why would he care?”

“Why would  _ you  _ care who he’s with?,” she rolled her eyes. “This is all sounding very childish. You’re both adults. Talk about it, get your shit together, and _move on_.”

“Well, I tried moving on once, didn’t really work,” he said bitterly. 

“No, you didn’t try to move on. You tried to push him away. Which was a real dick move if you ask me, Carisi. I thought you were better than that. And you’ve also involved Joanna, a very sweet girl, in a mess that’s got nothing to do with her.”

He shook his head. “I think she knows. She keeps trying to get me to ask him to come over, to ask him for a drink somewhere. She keeps saying ‘it’s fine Sonny, you can go over to his apartment for dinner, I won’t be mad’.”

“Well, she’s smarter than you,” Olivia smirked. “Why didn’t you, then?”

“Because I’m a dumbass, for starters. And because it makes it so much harder,” he groaned, closing his eyes for a moment. It burned a little, and he tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. “It’s torture seeing him then leaving, pretending I’m happy to give him up, pretending I don’t want more than just being his friend.” 

“God, you should have broken up with her a long time ago,” she sighed. 

He nodded. “I know.”

For the rest of the night, he watched Nick and Rafael sitting at the bar. They had about four drinks each, then Rafael smirked at Nick and stood up, heading towards the bathroom. Less than a minute later, Nick stood and went after him. 

Something inside Sonny twisted angrily, and he counted to ten in his head, breathing deeply. He did this. It was his fault. He was the coward who let Rafael go because he was too scared to tell him how he felt. He had acted terribly, and if it had hurt him to turn his back on Rafael, he couldn't even begin to imagine how it might had felt for Rafael. 

When he thought he had managed to calm down slightly, and before Nick and Rafael came back, he left without saying goodbye to the rest of the squad. 

He had a decision to make. And he had to be sure it was the right one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, I can't believe we got here. We finally got to the place where things start to turn around. What a journey! But hold on to your horses, we still got 3 chapters to go!
> 
> How do you think Sonny is gonna make it right? I love hearing your predictions! 
> 
> See you tomorrow, loves <3


	14. Fighting For Rafael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny changes his act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we're two chapters away from the end. I miss it already *clenches own chest*
> 
> Enjoy!

Breaking up with Joanna wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. She seemed a little relieved, too. Sonny felt mildly dejected when she didn’t put up a fight, when she said she saw it coming, but their relationship had stalled a couple months ago, so he couldn’t blame her. 

They parted with a long hug, and Sonny wished her all the best. She promised she’d call next time she was in Manhattan, and Sonny genuinely hoped she would. 

The week after that was rough. Not because he regretted the break up, but because it finally dawned on him how badly he had fucked up. And how alone he felt.

Sonny still saw Rafael regularly, they still worked together after all, but their interactions were strictly professional. It bothered him a lot, but he knew it was his own fault and that it would take some time and a lot of patience to regain Rafael’s trust. 

So he started small. 

On a random Wednesday, Sonny showed up at Rafael’s office with a cup of Cuban coffee from his favorite shop and a bag of salted pretzels. Rafael gave him a quizzical look, but before he could say anything, Sonny wished him a nice day, and left.

Then, the next week, he cooked Rafael’s favorite pasta dish, set it nicely in a traveling container, and gave it to him under the excuse that he had cooked way too much and didn’t want it to go to waste. Rafael thanked him with a confused expression.

The other thing, and that one was certainly more on the nose, was that Sonny baked Rafael a cake and delivered it to his office less than a week after the pasta. But instead of handing it directly to him, he left it with Carmen. Rafael would know it was from him. It was Sonny’s own recipe and he knew it well.

An opportunity presented itself a while later, when Olivia asked Sonny to deliver files to the DA’s office because Rafael’s current favorite errand boy, Amaro, had already left. 

It was late and Sonny should probably be on his way home, but he complied happily. 

However, when he got to Rafael’s office, Sonny realized quickly by looking at the mess in front of him that the ADA was going to pull an all-nighter. 

“That looks like a lot, Counselor,” he started tentatively. “Do you need help?”

Rafael looked at him as if he’d grown an extra head. “No, it’s fine.”

He took a step closer, placing the files Olivia had sent next to the ones Rafael seemed to be currently working on. “Are you sure? I really wouldn’t mind staying.”

Sonny thought Rafael was considering his offer, but he eventually narrowed his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. Goodnight, Detective.” 

So he bid him goodnight and left. This was his first try, he wasn’t expecting it to be met with much enthusiasm. But regardless, he called Rafael’s favorite Thai restaurant and placed an order for him. He knew Rafael always skipped dinner when he worked late.

Thirty minutes later, he got a text from Rafael. 

It simply read “thanks”, but he beamed and replied with a selfie doing the okay sign. 

He counted that as a win. 

After all the food, Sonny’s next idea was to buy Rafael some drinks. He had to wait, though, until the squad all got together at a bar again. 

It happened after a particularly difficult win, but he arrived early, Rollins trailing after him and going to the nearest bartender to order a beer. 

Sonny scanned the bar carefully, but Rafael wasn’t there yet. So he sat and waited. 

Fin and Olivia showed up shortly after and sat in a booth. Sonny kept an eye on the door, and started feeling a little restless as time went by. 

Rollins eventually joined Fin and Olivia in the booth, and Sonny was about to do the same when Rafael walked in, followed by Amaro. His insides twisted unpleasantly, but he kept his anger down and flagged the bartender, ordering a double dose of Rafael’s favorite Scotch. 

Luckily, Amaro went straight to the booth, sitting next to Olivia, while Rafael approached the bar, looking for a server. He spotted Sonny just as the tumbler of Scotch was placed in front of him. 

“Counselor,” Sonny greeted, giving him a lopsided grin. “Here, for a tough win,” he said and pushed the glass towards Rafael. “On me.” 

“Detective,” Rafael nodded, and Sonny was happy to notice he didn’t hesitate as he accepted the drink. “Thank you. I needed this.” 

“I figured. Calhoun rode you pretty hard, but you held your own,” he shrugged. “As a lawyer myself, it was exhilarating to watch.” 

Rafael smirked. “‘ _ As a lawyer myself _ ’? High praise from Fordham’s most distinguished alum.” 

Sonny almost jumped for joy. It had been a while since Rafael poked fun at him, and it felt great. 

“By the way, I don’t think I ever thanked you for the cake,” Rafael shot him a curious look over his glass. 

He shrugged. “No problem. I know you like it and felt like baking, so.” 

Rafael took a sip of his Scotch, considering it. “I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re trying to do, Carisi, but you don’t have to keep apologizing.” 

“I’m not trying to apologize. You’ve heard me say sorry a thousand times,” he sighed. “But the Lieu wisely told me that it doesn’t matter how many times I say it if I don’t change my ways. So here I am, trying to do better.” 

“Olivia really is a wise woman,” Rafael nodded. “And Joanna doesn’t mind you being home late?” 

“We broke up,” he stated, watching Rafael’s reaction. He looked genuinely surprised. 

“I didn’t know.” 

“Yeah, it wasn’t really working anymore. She’s a nice girl, but not  _ the one _ , you know,” Sonny held Rafael’s gaze, hoping he’d see what Sonny wanted him to see, what Sonny didn’t have the guts to say yet. 

Rafael chuckled. “Yes, I remember your incessant search for  _ the one _ .” 

Sonny smiled. “Thing is, Counselor, it’s pointless if you’ve already found it. It just took me a while to realize I did.” 

His heartbeat went crazy in his chest, but Sonny tried to look as relaxed as he could as he watched Rafael drink in what he was saying. He knew Rafael could read him like a book, so he smiled and hoped for the best. 

Sonny could see Rafael was working himself up to say something, but Amaro approached them and interrupted their moment with a cheerful greeting.

“Do you need another drink, Rafael?,” he asked flirtatiously and Sonny’s hand closed into a fist instantly. 

“I’m good for now,” Rafael indicated his mostly full glass. “Carisi’s gift.” 

“Right,” Amaro looked at him suspiciously, then turned back to Rafael. “Well, aren’t you gonna join us?,” he pointed at the booth behind him. “We’re here to celebrate you, after all.” 

Rafael laughed. “No, you’re here to get drunk, but I’ll be right there.” 

Amaro smiled at him, nodded at Sonny and went back to the table. 

“You and Amaro, uh?,” he asked, his throat dry. “I didn’t see that coming at all.”

Rafael shrugged. “He’s nice. Helpful."

Sonny tried to breathe normally through the knife twisting in his chest. “And he’s hot, too.”

“That doesn’t hurt,” he chuckled. 

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” Sonny tried to give him a confident smile. “But if Amaro starts slacking on the drinks, I can get you another one.”

Rafael frowned. “You’re not joining us?”

“I thought I’d watch the game,” he lied, pointing at the TV. It was a reprise and he wasn’t even sure who was playing. 

“Oh,” he looked up as if he hadn’t noticed the TV was there. “Well, if you change your mind, I’ll save you a seat.” 

Sonny’s stomach flipped, and he beamed. 

“I’ll be right over, then.” 

“And Sonny,” Rafael started, standing up. “I’m sorry about Joanna, but maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.” 

He shook his head slightly. “It wasn’t.” 

Sonny watched as Rafael walked over to the booth and rearranged the whole table, leaving an open seat next to him. With his heart about to leap out through his throat, Sonny barely waited two minutes before he joined the group.

Two weeks later, when Sonny found Rafael surrounded by files and books in his office again, he asked if he could help. This time, the ADA said yes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all happening now! Our boys are getting there. Next chapter is the big one. 
> 
> Are you ready? I'm not. hehe
> 
> See you tomorrow!


	15. Loving Rafael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny tells Rafael how he feels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few of you told me you suddenly have Barba/Amaro feelings after reading this, and let me tell you that that wasn't my intention at all, but I guess it means I did my job right! Your comments have kept me very entertained through this whole journey, so thank you so much! 
> 
> Here's the awaited moment. Enjoy!

Music was playing loudly from the living room and, beside Sonny, Rafael was humming softly to the song. He sniffed through his smile as he kept cutting onions and stealing glances at the ADA. 

“Are you crying?,” Rafael teased. 

“Not yet,” he chuckled wetly. “You know this happens every time and you wanted Gorgonzola sauce, so it’s your fault.” 

“Well, I’m not sorry,” he snickered and Sonny rolled his eyes.

He was happy that their bickering was back. It took about a month for Rafael to stop narrowing his eyes every time Sonny offered to do anything, then almost another month for them to fall back into the friendliness they were currently sharing.

It still wasn’t the way it used to be before Sonny royally fucked up, but he wasn’t looking to go back to that, exactly. He was hoping the two of them would become comfortable enough for Sonny to open up about his feelings and have an actual conversation about it without Rafael saying ‘it’s none of your business’.

Still, he couldn’t quite get there without bringing up the elephant in the room: Nick Amaro.

So while Rafael popped open a bottle of wine and served them, Sonny swallowed around the lump in his throat and asked, as casually as he could, “So, how are things with Amaro?”

Rafael chuckled, setting Sonny’s glass next to him. “I was wondering how long it would take for you to ask. I don’t have _ a thing _ with Nick, Sonny.”

Sonny frowned. That wasn’t what he had heard. “No? I thought you were going out.” 

“We meet for drinks sometimes and there have been a couple blowjobs,” Rafael shrugged, and Sonny felt something burning inside him. “But it’s not a thing. We’re just friends.” 

“Ah,” he nodded, trying not to let it show how much he hated the idea of Rafael and Nick together. “It looked more serious than that.” 

“Yeah, Nick played it up when you were around,” Rafael smirked. “He likes making you angry, apparently.” 

He blinked, pausing his ministrations with the knife to look at Rafael with his eyebrows raised. “Seriously?”

“He said it was payback for you being a jackass to me,” Rafael told him, and raised a hand when Sonny opened his mouth to speak. “And don’t you dare apologize again, Sonny. We’re past that, but I’m still going to tease you about it.”

They really were past it, and Sonny was glad Rafael felt the same way. It took a lot of work for them to get here, in Rafael’s apartment, cooking together again. 

“Fair enough,” he shrugged and went back to cutting onions.

“Did it bother you?,” Rafael asked after a couple beats. “The idea of Nick and I dating?”

For half a second, he considered lying. But this was his chance to broach the subject. Besides, he knew they’d be stuck in this forever if he kept avoiding the truth, so instead of doing that he nodded and said, “It did, yeah. He’s my partner, after all. So it felt a little bit like betrayal, if I’m being honest.” 

Rafael looked taken aback. “Why? We were barely speaking then.”

Sonny’s heart sped up. He was sure that if it weren’t for the music, Rafael would be able to hear it. He took a deep breath, and threw himself into his emotions.

“Listen, Rafael, it might have taken me a while, but I’ve realized that I have feelings for you,” he finally said. And it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “So yeah, the idea of you being with someone else hurt. But I know that’s my own fault and I didn’t -”

“You’re such an idiot,” Rafael interrupted, looking downright  _ pissed _ .

“What?,” he frowned and put the knife down, turning to the ADA.

“You put us through all that shit because you realized you had feelings for me?,” Rafael spat, his brow furrowed. “You could have just told me.”

“No, I couldn’t! You kept saying you didn’t want a relationship, that you didn’t want to date,” Sonny said frustratingly, and he hated that his eyes were misty because of the damn onions. “You kept turning down every guy that breathed next to you, what was I supposed to do? I loved our friendship, Rafael, I didn’t want to risk it.”

Rafael scoffed. “But didn’t you risk it anyway when you started dating Joanna and told me to go fuck myself?”

“I never told you anything like that,” he protested, lifting a finger. “And yes, the thing with Joanna got out of hand, but by the time I got my head out of my ass, you were out and about with Amaro. It looked like you were way happier with me being out of the way.”

“That’s ridiculous!,” he let out a humourless laugh that sounded slightly manic. “We were  _ friends _ . Friends are supposed to talk about these things, Sonny.”

“Well, I fucking tried, Rafael. Many, many times,” Sonny threw his hands up and started pacing around the kitchen, suddenly feeling like he was going to burst out of his skin. “But you scoffed, brushed it off and said that I’d been watching too many Disney movies.”

Rafael laughed that manic laugh again, shaking his head. “God, I can’t believe we’re two successful, supposedly intelligent adults when we can’t even talk about our feelings.”

“You wanna talk? I’ll talk,” he paused his pacing in front of the ADA. “I’m in love with you, Rafael Barba. I’m not sure since when, exactly, maybe since I was shot, but it took me way too long to realize it and I’m sorry that I almost fucked up our friendship because of it. I’m sorry if saying this now ruins it too, but you’re the one for me. You’re my closest friend, but I love you, and I can’t keep pretending that I don’t want to punch a wall every time Amaro comes near you. I can’t keep it in anymore, and I’ll leave if you want, but you had to know.” 

When Sonny stopped, he was panting. He had gotten it all out without taking a breath, gesticulating widely. Rafael was looking at him with wide eyes, not moving, barely even blinking. 

“Kiss me,” Rafael suddenly demanded, taking a step closer, grabbing Sonny’s shirt in a fist and twisting it. “You’re an idiot. I need you to kiss me.” 

So Sonny did. 

He framed Rafael’s face with both his hands and kissed him, like he had thought of doing for so long. He could feel Rafael pulling at his shirt, keeping him close, pressing their chests together. It was heavenly, and Sonny couldn’t believe it, even as their lips moved together slowly, Rafael humming approvingly against him. 

When they pulled apart, Sonny kept their foreheads pressed together, his eyes closed as he relished the feeling of the ADA being so close to him. 

They stood there for a moment, the music surrounding them, until Rafael breathed, “I love you too,” and then that was the only thing Sonny could hear. 

His face split into a huge grin instantly, and he opened his eyes to see the look of adoration on Rafael’s face. He looked beautiful; big green eyes sparkling, cheeks flushed, lips rosy. Sonny couldn’t help but kiss him again, pressing quick pecks to his lips, then his cheeks, his chin and jaw, then going up his nose and forehead. 

“I love you,” Sonny whispered into his ear, pressing a kiss on his temple and stepping back. Slowly, Rafael undid the vice grip on his shirt. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. I’m sorry I had to hurt both of us before I finally understood what all those feelings meant.”

Rafael smiled softly. “I didn’t really help, either. I’m sorry I never stopped to listen to you. I shouldn’t have brushed you off,” he raised a hand to brush away a strand of hair that had fallen on Sonny’s forehead. “Things were really blurred for a while, weren’t they? But we got there eventually.”

“We did,” Sonny beamed, and leaned in to kiss Rafael again, simply because he could. 

“I believe,” Rafael started when they parted again. “You promised me dinner.”

Sonny laughed. “Right, I’ll get back to cutting onions. But let’s just make it clear that, from now on, this is officially a date.” 

“Sonny, I think we’ve been to more dates than we can count,” he shook his head, amused.

“Yeah, the whole squad got the memo before us,” he smiled. “You know I never meant to hurt you, right? I was stupid, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.” 

Rafael tilted his head. “The rest of your life?”

Sonny nodded. “Or as long as you’ll have me.” 

He leaned in, placing a kiss on Sonny’s cheek then nuzzling it with his nose. “I like the sound of that.” 

Sighing in relief, Sonny closed his eyes for a moment. He let himself get lost in the sound of the music playing and the press of Rafael against him. 

Slowly, he smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue WILL be up tomorrow, but I just wanted to thank every one who made this my most read, most commented and most subscribed story so far. Posting stories isn't about numbers, but this was a little out of my comfort zone and it means the world to me to see it do so well. 
> 
> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I hope to see you tomorrow for our fluffy epilogue <3


	16. Epilogue: Overcompensating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months later, Sonny and Rafael are doing alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is it! The final chapter! After three weeks, we've reached the conclusion of this story - and I'm very proud of that. Let me just say that I already have other short stories to put up, so I'll see you soon.
> 
> For now, enjoy!

“How many times do I have to tell you it wasn’t your fault for you to stop trying to drown in that glass of scotch?,” Olivia asked, her voice muffled by her own glass of wine, as she watched Rafael with fond eyes. 

Rafael chuckled. “I believed you the first time, Liv. But it’s difficult to stop wondering about what I could have done differently. Hence the scotch.”

Rationally, he knew he did his best as an ADA. But morally, it felt like he failed. A woman was dead because they couldn’t get through to her, no matter the angle they worked. Olivia tried, so many times, to keep her away from her abusive husband. Rafael pulled in extra hours for a speedy and satisfactory restraining order. 

But it was pointless. She went back to him, and he killed her. 

Now, Rafael and Olivia sat side by side at Forlini’s, and he knew his friend felt just as helpless as he did. Olivia had been the last one to talk to her, who tried to convince her to stay at a shelter, but the woman walked away from her. He knew she felt guilty by the way her gaze kept getting lost into space. 

“I know sometimes it doesn’t seem like it’s enough, but we did our jobs, Liv,” he said. “We’ve talked to her more times than I can count. The restraining order was still in full effect.”

“Yeah,” Olivia nodded, setting her glass down and running a hand over her jaw, a sign of her distress Rafael knew too well. “We were too late for her.” 

He nodded, and took a long sip of his drink. 

“Hey,” they turned to see Amaro approaching. “Have you spoken to Calhoun?,” he asked Rafael.

“She texted me, but I haven’t checked it yet. Why?” 

“We processed the husband, right?,” he informed them, looking at Olivia. “He didn’t put up a fight at all after we served the warrant, but Calhoun was there the whole time.”

“Unusual,” Olivia said, curious. 

“I thought so, too,” Nick flagged a bartender and asked for a beer. “But then when we were done, she said she was going to step down from the case.”

“She quit?,” Rafael’s eyebrows went up, and he immediately reached for his phone to check his texts.

**Rita Calhoun:** I stepped down from the Avery case.

**Rita Calhoun:** We need to talk.

**Rita Calhoun:** Lunch tomorrow?  

“Maybe she’s seen the light,” Olivia said, as optimistic as always. Ever since Rafael and Rita started meeting after work more often, Olivia had picked up the habit of joining them once in a while. 

It was awkward, at first. Olivia didn’t have the history with Rita that Rafael had, she couldn’t really understand her choice of work. But as long as they avoided talking about cases, it went well. 

Rafael chuckled at the idea of Rita suddenly joining their side of the fight. “I wouldn’t count on that, Liv. She wants to meet me for lunch tomorrow. I’ll let you know how that goes,” he said, and replied to Rita with an affirmative. 

“Where’s Carisi?,” Nick asked. “He left the precinct before me, I thought he’d be here.” 

Rafael smiled. “He’s ‘ _ getting the apartment _ ’ ready, whatever that means, and then he’ll come pick me up.” 

Beside him, Olivia laughed. “He’s still going all out, uh? How long has it been? Five months?”

“Six months on Sunday,” he shrugged, smiling fondly. “I told you, he’s the king of overcompensating. But it’s great. Every weekend he comes up with something new.”

Nick snorted. “I’ve heard enough stories, and I gotta admit he’s creative.”

“Oh, definitely,” Olivia teased. “I was very jealous of the pasta fest he created for you. Five different pastas, eight types of sauce? I don’t know how you still manage to fit in your suits.”

“Probably with the help of the sex marathon the week after that,” Nick smirked and Rafael groaned, rolling his eyes. “What did he call that?”

Olivia laughed. “I believe it was the ‘Raf Sex-athon’.”

Rafael wanted to be annoyed, just to keep up appearances, but he couldn’t help the swelling of fondness in his chest. Nick and Olivia might be teasing, but they were happy for him and Sonny. Ever since they put the drama and pining behind, they had been very supportive, and often helped Sonny come up with the details for his plans. 

Even though his relationship with Sonny was working brilliantly, Rafael was still putting in the effort of meeting his friends for meals and drinks every week. Sometimes the four of them got together, and seeing Rita making fun of everything in Nick’s life was always entertaining, but he mostly went out with each one separately. 

Be it to share a Happy Meal with Noah and Olivia, listen to Nick complain about his mother, or tell Rita that she indeed looked younger in her new dress, Rafael was there for them the same way they were there for him all those months ago.

“You’re both hilarious,” Rafael said lightly. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten how angry you were when we went for a weekend getaway after the Burns trial.” 

“Yeah, because we all needed a weekend up in some cozy cabin after that,” Nick said, annoyed. “But  _ your boyfriend  _ had already asked for Saturday off so the rest of us had to stay.” 

Rafael smirked. “He’s a great planner.” 

As if summoned, the door opened and Sonny walked in, spotting Rafael immediately and making a beeline for him. He beamed, leaning down to kiss Rafael’s cheek as he greeted him, then Olivia and Nick.

“Hey,” he said, and looked at Rafael’s almost empty glass. 

Rafael knew what that meant. Sonny was eager to go, all things ready and well-timed. But he wouldn’t ask Rafael to simply leave Nick and Olivia for him, he never did. Not even if his plans were time-sensitive. They’d only leave if Rafael said he was ready to go.

So Rafael told him, “I’m good to go,” and his smile grew even bigger. 

“Great,” Sonny nodded, and stepped away so he could pull his chair back. “Lieu, Amaro, sorry to sequester him, but I’m afraid we’ve got weekend plans to get to,” he teased, pulling a twenty from his wallet before Rafael could pay for the two drinks he had.

“Of course,” Olivia said lightly, winking at him.

“Is it another sex-athon?,” Nick joked. 

“Not this time,” Sonny smirked. “Maybe next week, if Raf’s up for it.” 

Rafael rolled his eyes affectionately, shrugging on his jacket. 

“I’m sure you can get him  _ up for it _ , right Carisi?,” Nick wiggled an eyebrow at him, and Sonny let out a loud laugh as Olivia hid her snort behind her glass. 

“Do they ever get any work done in the squadroom?,” Rafael turned to Olivia, feigning exasperation. 

She smiled. “The very best of New York’s finest.”

Rafael groaned, picked up his briefcase and made his way to the door as Sonny bid Nick and Olivia goodbye.

“Hey, hey,” Sonny reached him just as he went to open the door to his car. “Wait a second, Counselor.” 

“I thought you wanted to go. I thought there was a chicken in the oven waiting for you or something.”

Sonny laughed, and stepped closer to him. “No chicken is under any risk. But I forgot to give you something.”

Just by the way Sonny’s head tilted, Rafael knew exactly what it was. “What?” 

Much like Rafael predicted he would, Sonny leaned in and kissed him. It was a half ‘I missed you’ kiss and half a ‘I can’t get enough of you’ kiss. Soft and warm, but intense, like everything Sonny did. 

“There,” he smiled dopily when they parted. 

Rafael smirked. “I’m glad you remembered,” he placed a kiss on Sonny’s cheek and stepped back for his boyfriend to open the door for him. He couldn’t help the excitement that build in him as they made the way to his apartment. 

But as soon as Sonny put the key in the lock and pushed the door opened, he stood in front of Rafael, blocking his view. “Can you close your eyes for a moment? I didn’t want to leave the candles on when I left, but it kinda sets the mood. It’ll only be a minute.”

By now Rafael was used to this. Surprises, little secrets, Sonny trying to impress him. After the first month, he thought it’d get old, but it still hadn’t. Dating Sonny was one of the easiest things he had ever done, and every day Rafael fell a little more in love with him.

He’d told Sonny many, many times that he’d forgiven him, that they were past what happened, that he trusted Sonny, but the Detective only smiled and kissed him lightly. “I just don’t want you to forget how much you mean to me, Raf,” he’d say. As if Rafael needed any reminder other than the look on Sonny’s face every time he looked at him.

So Rafael stepped into the apartment and closed his eyes as he waited for Sonny to go around the place and work his magic. 

After he heard the door closing and the lock clicking, he heard music, and smiled. It was a constant in their lives now, and Sonny even promised to dig up his old guitar so he could play for Rafael. Then, he heard a matchstick being lit and, a few seconds later, smelled his favorite candle. Lastly, he heard the sound of crinkling plastic and Sonny’s voice, “You can open your eyes now.”

He did, blinking rapidly as his eyes focused on Sonny, standing a few feet from him with an armful of beautiful red roses and a stunning smile. 

There were a few candles lit around the apartment and, when Rafael took a couple steps forward, he saw there was an array of desserts on the dining table. Cannoli, macaroons, donuts, pretzels, a whole cake and a box of his favorite pastelitos. 

“We’re jumping straight to dessert tonight,” Sonny said and offered him a hand. Rafael took it immediately. “There’s chocolate mousse and salted caramel ice cream in the fridge.”

“My favorite,” Rafael smiled, stepping closer to Sonny, holding back just a little so he wouldn’t squish the flowers between their chests. 

“I know,” Sonny smiled back and handed him the flowers. “These are for you. I know our anniversary is only on Sunday, but I wanted to start celebrating tonight.”

“Great idea,” he took a deep whiff of the flowers, closing his eyes at the gorgeous scent. “They’re lovely. Thank you.”  

“That’s just the start,” he beamed and reached inside his suit jacket. “We can sleep in tomorrow and go out for brunch, if you’d like. But at night, I’ve made reservations at that fancy restaurant you told me about.” 

“ _ Mare _ ?,” Rafael’s eyes widened. “How did you manage that?” 

“I can’t reveal all my secrets, Raf,” he teased, then pulled two tickets out of his pocket. “And after that, we have a show to catch.” 

Rafael looked between the tickets and the amazing man in front of him. “Hamilton? You know I’ve been trying to go for months.” 

“Yes, I do,” Sonny grinned, excited. 

“Sonny, these seats are expensive,” he complained, but he was smiling. 

“Nevermind that. I wanted us to have a good anniversary. You said you wanted to surprise me on Sunday, so I decided to surprise you on Saturday.”

“You’re incorrigible,” Rafael laughed, then leaned in to kiss him. 

Rafael never thought he’d be good at having a relationship. He always thought it’d be too much work, he’d have to compromise too much, his job would get in the way of everything. But Sonny made it the most effortless thing he had ever experienced. 

He always thought he had a great life, but sitting beside Sonny in a cocoon of blankets with pastelitos in one hand and salted caramel ice cream in the other, he knew for sure that it could never get better than this. 

They were the best of friends, but with the great benefit of being in love with each other - and having sex; a lot of fantastic, enthusiastic sex that blew Rafael’s mind every single time. 

He wouldn’t change a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all SO MUCH for being part of this story. Your comments and reactions made this double the fun. I really appreciate the support and interaction. I'm glad you seemed to like reading this as much as I liked writing it. 
> 
> Now, if you go on my twitter (@pastelpinktv) you'll see that I'm always screaming about these two idiots in love and making polls about what to publish next. Follow me there if you'd like!
> 
> Until next time, my loves! Don't forget about me <3 leave your kudos and comments one last time for this ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Alright! I know this was short, but with this fic all chapters are 1,2k-1,5k, so to make up for that, I'll be uploading EVERY week day. I'm currently working on the very last chapter, so you'll get it all really fast.
> 
> Let me know how you feel so far! See you tomorrow :D


End file.
